Feeling positive.

Positive 

Positive

Positive

   !

Saw the shrink today. Feeling much better. The past 2 weeks I have been so out of touch with everything..I think the whole FS bizo put me so outta wack.. I have finally sorted it out in my mind. I do miss him. And I really resented the fact that I did.. And I think it held me back from really processing it all.. So it hit me this week..! And since I had nothing planned last night I had a lot of time to really have a big think. It's ok to miss him. It's normal. And it's also normal to get over it. So I will, and Ima do it classy! Gonna get my hair my nails my eyebrows done next week.. Dr Crazy will be back from Boston next week..so my PIC (partner in crime) will be back and ready for action!!

Can't wait..

oK, getting to the nitty gritty.

This week comprised of:

- a resolution with Fireman Sam.

- drunken texts to Footy Boy..that may have gone too far.. hehe.

- a resolution with Lainie. (?)

- a deep resentment for singledom//couples.

- a realisation that I have no "real" friends.. or I have some, that just hang out with other people.

- another realisation that my seperated parents are really meant to be together.

-

 Happy Hour at Roof Bar - $3 drinks between 5 and 7pm.

So I might start point by point..

FS: Yes! Omg! Closure. But I miss him. Urk.

On my drunken Thursday night, I spotted him on Facebook and in my drunken state of mind thought I must must must speak to him it is vital! 

"talk to me Sammmmmmmm.. pleaseeeeee"

"what is it"

"i'm sorry, i'm really sorry. i'm sorry for everything"

"ok ur forgiven"

"do y

ou hate me i don't want you to hate me"

"why would i hate you"

"because of everything thats happened.. i shouldnt really be saying sorry to you after everything,  but i am, im sorry for everything" (little did he know, I meant I was sorry for ever meeting him..)

"its ok"

"have you got my cardi"

lol

"yes ill send it i forgot your address.. what is it"

Yes!!!

After exchanging my address, I simply said:

"i'm glad we had this chat"

"me too"

"bye"

lol

Ok so I felt sooo much better after that. I don't want anyone hating on me. And I'm getting my cardigan back.. at this stage anyways.. woo hoo! But in finding this closure, I realised I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss that good for nothin fool! Argh. Maybe I just miss his presence..like someone was there..even though he was good for nothin!

I'm sure it will pass.

Footy Boy - and the drunken texts.

They were MY drunken texts (I just can't help myself can I? haha)

I was sitting by myself as Dr Crazy had left me to go get some more cheap $3 goon-or Sparkling Wine as it's properly known as-and was filling silly. The morning texts had stopped! What the! So I decided to message him, after denying myself the pleasure all day. Started off something like: "How you doing how's your day?"

I find out he's in China! For business. We get onto the subject of wine, then promises to call him.

I go to call. No answer.

Grr.

I get a text straight back. "The hostess on the plane is looking at me funny! I'll call you when I land"

This not being good enough, and not wanting the communication to end there, I kept it up. And for some reason I blurted out that I've missed him.. I've never met anyone like him (which is very true..but I can't remember him anymore, lol!) Yada yada.. to which I get back:

"ive missed you too, really cant wait to catch up, alots changed since i have seen you last, will be good to see you"

Lol.. Ok so I took it to far. And he's been messaging me since. Like I had to profess my undying love for him to get more messages, lol!

He's back 4th of May. Not sure how to feel about it. Am I just being desperate? But I feel like, if I was being desperate I'd be hanging on to the phone, waiting for a message, calling, getting all bahjiggity! But I'm not. I almost feel like I've taken shape of a guy. Those ones who tell you they miss you, but really don't, keep you stringin' along till something better pops up. Hrmm..

I do miss the early times we had together..we had soo much fun. Like when you meet someone you click with soo well, and you do proper dates and holding hands is like such a cute thing, sneaking subtle kisses here and there, it was all so new and I was head over heels, he was truly someone different to the normal losers I meet. But then it started to slip away.. And it never was the same.  I've written about the end before.. check it out in my label Footy Boy :)

Oh well, it's some sort of excitement in the man sector..

Lainie, Lainie, Lainie. 

What are we going to do with her? Her Facebook now officially states she is in a relationship-oh goody-and she's making all these lovely plans. Especially going to that music festival with me. I so did not want to give my tickets up for We Love Sounds, but she initially said she couldn't go and then turned around and said she could, and she wants to go with me. I have put alot of that crap behind me, I want to go so badly because it looks like so much fun. But I don't know what to expect. I almost feel sightly like she's using me.

Hrm.

I'm sure we'll find out when she gets my money for the ticket..next week.

Everywhere I turn there is always a couple..or a couple of couples, almost rubbing their happiness in my face. Of course they're not rubbing it in at all. But it feels like it..like a stab in the back.

When will I be in the couples club making everyone else vomit with my PDA'S??

It's not an aim..but it's been sooo long.

So I'm home alone on a Saturday night, hanging out with my parents..I'm having fun spending the time together, as my mum and dad haven't hung out together since I don't even know when, but part of my keeps longing to go out.. longing to be with friends. But then it strikes me.. they're with their boyfriends..husbands.. they're doing other better important things..that don't include me. And it's slightly upsetting. I'm loving this time at home to do stuff for myself, reflect and all that..but I don't know how much longer I can stay at home. I long to be out being silly, meeting and making new friends, to forget the old ones. Drinking nice whites, and even Vodka and Red Bulls..dancing like no one's watching..and just laughing. I never knew making new friends would be this hard. I guess it doesn't help living so far away from everyone. I'll just blame that for the moment.

And today is crazy, as I said before, my parents are hanging out for the first time in yonks. My dad has been here since 9:30am.. it's now.. 6:51pm. We went to lunch and shopping and watched movies and had a nice homemade satay and it's so weird. This is how it was m

eant to be. I can see by the way they talk to each other, look at each other, they miss each other. There's some kind of light and spark. It's kinda cute.

I think it would be stranger than fiction if something was to happen and go further.. kinda scary actually.

That satay was so yum. I think I could easily fall asleep.. My dad is constantly calling out to me. How annoying. He ain't livin' here. lol.

Am I a nice person?

My mother seems to think not. She seems to think I'm the one to be blamed for everything going wrong in my life...

Which I think is incredibly unfair..

She's taken the side of Lainie, saying I deserved all I got.. I can see where she's coming from..I truly do. But after everything that Lainie has said to me and how catty she has been towards me

 previously, before the whole going out shamozzle last week, it still makes no difference to my mother..my mother is one of those tactless people (whom I can't stand and whom I never wish I would be like/turn into) and only sees one view. Normally it's always against me. 

My mother has been like this towards me my whole life.. She has never once stuck up for me and sided for me. Once..I was playing

 with my cousin in his pool when we were about 12 and 8.. He started to try and push my under the water..almost like trying to drown me. I was screaming for my mother, who was sitting about 20 metres away..I was waving my hands frantically above my head, splashing about, but she did nothing about it. I managed to free myself and pulled myself out of that pool, crying. I

 ran towards her, and she had nothing to say. She did nothing.

I asked her recently what that was about.. Her answer was that pretty much she didn't want to start anything between her and her sister (My aunt and the mother of my cousin obviously) and I was kinda enraged by that. How could you feel that way, when you're watching your only daughter being held under water? How could you not want to do anything about it? It still haunts me. And that argument just then reminded me of her faith to others and not to me.  

She also blamed the break-down of another friendship on me, saying

 that this other friend had no choice after the things I had said to her..yet this other friend initiated the "discussion" and had pointed out millions of my faults and things I had done. This other friend had said things to me, too..so how was that all of my fault? This other friend had hoarded an issue about me after I had said something stupid for like nearly 2 years. How is it my fault that she could not come to me to talk about it first? To then, holding everything against me for the next year or so, building up on everything I said to her. I had no issue with her at all. I wasn't

 upset. She and her sister had said and done things to me towards the end where I was feeling slight resentment.. But I figured that it was just those girls as people..Just like my mother..It's just her with her tactlessness and narrow-mindness..

And really, looking back and thinking about things I had said to this friend.. I was only trying to be protective.. We would go out at night, and they would wear the most sluttiest outfits. Their buttcheeks would be literally hanging out. I would say things like.. "Is that something you're comfortable in? lol or "Aren't you cold?" to try and hint..But I just got called a name caller for that. It wasn't jealously at all. They are the most prettiest girls, but the

y were giving off the wrong persona about themselves through their dress.. And would whinge about the type of men they would meet, and how girls would give them dirty looks. What did they expect when they would dress like that and get so drunk they'd be falling all over each other? And I wasn't impressed by the way it would make me look. I wasn't like that at all, and I still am not. But you could never tell them. And I think I may have said something about the kinda guys you would meet at the clubs to the sister.. I told her that they probably aren't the most ideal places to meet men who want to settle down.. but I think she took it the wrong way, a

 way which I didn't even mean..but they're just so naive about those things. 

It's hard, and it hurts. Maybe I am a terrible friend. I always thought that I was protective, supportive, caring, loyal. But I felt I never recieved that back from any friend. So what is wrong with clearing out the weeds? What is wrong with getting rid of the people who have weighed me down in the past, who have not made me feel secure and happy..? I spoke to the shrink about this yesterday and she kinda has the opposite mentality.. She says it's all about

 compromise in friendships just as it is in relationships. But why is it that I've always felt compromised in these friendships??

Ok, that vent has made me feel better. I instantly bawled my eyes out after my mother had said all of that to me. I've been feeling funny this week. I've had a shit week. After the Lainie and FS thing, I thought I was ok, but shrink thinks I haven't processed it all yet, which had pretty much carried on through the week at work. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong on Thursday and Friday, I felt like shit. I had the guilts about FS on Friday night. I

 didn't realise at the time but I was missing him. And I felt so bad about yelling at him. Even though he deserved it (I think, after this morning's rant at by mum, not sure) I apologised on Facebook chat..he went offline. Ok. Then I had a massive urge to call him yesterday, to which I did. It rang out. Nothing returned back.. Which did not surprise me. But it did make me feel better, that at least I had tried. I had good intentions. And it's ok if he doesn't feel the same. It's fine. 

But ultimately I do miss him, wish I could squeeze him tight. These thoughts need to be eliminated ASAP.

I had a crappy and what they call "dump" session at Shrink. I just poured all over the happenings of last week, had massive verbal diarrhea and did not shut up. Only to get no where. Oh my goodness. "The Scientist" by Coldplay is playing on Channel V.. Instant tears. What's wrong with me..?? I am feeling so down right now. This sucks. This song reminds me of Sunny. The last days. I

 just would love to go back to security, which is what I had with Sunny..and never realised until we had broken up.

Anyways, back to shrink details. I just non-stop crapped on about nothing. She feels I'm not processing all these goings-on due to "no reflective time" which doesn't surprise me. I have been so busy trying to keep myself busy this week, thinking it would help me get my mind off things, yet it has only held back the processing process apparently. My homework for next session is to write one High and one Low of each day. Yay. Only one. Lol. 

I'm going for a driving lesson with my Aunty this afternoon which I think will be fabulous for me. I can vent to her, she's cool. She looked after me alot when I was growing up. I'm kinda like the stand-in daughter. She bought me fudge after the FS incident on Monday. Instant cheer up.

Remember Footy Boy? He started chatting to me on Facebook. I was kinda surprised..he remembered pretty much of everything about me

 last year, all the little things. He wants to catch up, like the first day we meet. At a football game. I don't know what to make of that. I'm curious. But he was very much like FS.. not sure about what he wanted. So I will keep my distance I think..let him do the work if he is genuinely interested. I'm not going through this again. I refuse to!

I want to crawl back into bed for the day.. 

1oo

Stupid glittertextgraphics.com tag, lol!

ANYWAYS!!

OMG! This is my 1ooth Blog! And to think I was going to delete it.. I thought my life was going "steadily.."

Pfft! It's only getting better..!

It sounds ghey..but I would love to thank all the lovely individuals who read me and post amazing comments which inspire, encourage and make me smile. At the moment I'm lacking in quality friends..so it feels fab to have people care slightly pretty much!

So thank you.. xxx

Please feel free to add me to Twitter! I would love love love some more Twitter friends!

I have no juice whatsoever! I was playing silly buggers with Dentist Boy (Yes, remember him..!) I know exactly how to charm him and get a reaction..! Haha. Maybe meeting up for lunch..Hrm..!

And Scotsman?? Pfft! He has disappeared! He had bad teeth anyways.. Lol!

Nothing from Fireman Sam.. And no sighting of my cardi.. 4 more days I'm giving it. Then-I'm going down there and getting it..!! 

Shrink this weekend.. Haven't done my timeline of impact..Lol. When I can be bothered.. Should be interesting..

 

I will survive!

Heartbroken?

What was I thinking? I think I should be proud of myself - I told him to fuck off! To delete my number! I asked why would I want things to go back to normal, when all he did was treat me like shit! I defended myself! I didn't let him walk all over me and change my mind. I did good.

It hurt. Badly. But I should've expected this. I was silly to think that he might have changed. He was just after a booty call! Well guess what readers.. he had issues keeping it up! Haha! So I was a smart girl for leaving it at the way it was.

I just hope I get that damn cardi back. 

Heartbroken once again

Yeah.

FS again..

He didn't come see me. Well he's too tired to anyways.

And he was serious.. but not serious about a serious relationship.

My last words:

On Facebook!!!

Fuck off. Delete my number. My address is _______________ I expect my cardigan back this week.

Sam is now offline.

I'm fine. I had my cry. I hate him. I will spear him the next time I see him. Lol.

This is mayjah!

I have many stories to tell.

I will continue on with Thursday nights shenanigans.. So fun. Our cafe downstairs is funky and have the cutest waiters.. We have befriended them! So we get free stuff all the time. Anyways, after a crazy-ass day, we went downstairs to chill out before heading out. Met up with one of the cuter waiters and his best mate. Free wine and pizza and chocolate muffins! Then we headed to the corner to our local pub. 5 drinks later, after getting to know each other inside and out, we needed to head back up to work so I could grab my stuff as I was staying at my co-workers place (We'll call her Dr Crazy!) and decided to get on the happy gas..bahaha sooo fun! Then - taxi to Dr Crazy's - followed by more Vodka fuelled conversation. Then off to the Cross - hooking up with the cute waiter (DD) on the way - hit up some Hotel. Then onto a club after the massive jug of Vodka and Red Bull (!!) Danced the night away..I felt some stretched muscles in the morning! Left at 7am.. Then sleep..! Heard from DD and his mate added me to Facebook. nice boys. 20.. Too young ! DD texted me but never replied back. Meh!

All the while, I was supposed to go out o Friday night with Lainie, but felt like death and bailed. Texted her. No reply. As we were supposed to hang out what would've been tonight, I felt like I wanted to dogg tonight because she hadn't replied. But more on that later.

Fireman Sam texted me.

!

Yeah, mayjah.

"Maybe I want things back to the way things were.."

WTF!

Me: Are you serious?

No reply. grr.

Me: Well???

FS: Yeah, come to Miranda.

After 10 minutes of useless bantering text, he stopped replying. This really pissed me off. Things were back to the way things were.

Me: You're so annoying

FS: (within 30 seconds of texting him) Why?

Me: Because you're still being a prat. You randomly text me (not true, I had drunkenly texted him on Thurs night hehe of course no reply) because you've had a few and you just expect me to come and see you, and then you dont even reply

FS: It's not like that don't degrade me. I miss you that's all.

GEEESUS! He's never said he misses me in his life.

I still questioned it. Then I get this text: Whatever.

My vein popped. I hate his "Whatever" comeback. I called.

An hour later, still talking. About everything. About going away, about the fight, about meeting up. He's coming over on Monday. To give me back my cardi. And because "I really want to see you on Monday." He has never ever ever said this stuff.

At first, I was stoked. I have to admit.. No one has come crawling back. Besides Sparky (past bf) but it was just him. And especially him, especially since he was the one who has some commitment problem..

Now though.. meh. Whatever.

I texted him today whilst enjoying amazing Thai.. no reply.

Why did I bother.

Just got a reply. "Good thai?"

Still. Whatever.

And then.. Lainie. She hung up on me about half an hour ago. She was talking about going out tonight, it's only a suburb away from me. But being honest, and I'm aware I may cop some massive flack from some readers, it's a party at a place of a certain ethnicity whom I dislike. I live in an area where being pure Australian is the minority. And we are harassed by this certain religion/culture/race. I didn't really feel comfortable. The area can be scary. Plus I didn't want to go..my mindframe is set on lazy at the moment. She was like.. "You have to come"

Already had been put off by yesterday's no response and thought that she may of been pissed off, I breached the subject. After all, I thought that it might of been kinda a given that I wasn't going after no replying to me. I brought it up. She got testy. She then said..

"Well, dont come if you're gonna fuck my night up.."

"Well.. if it's gonna be like that then it's all good, don't worry about it.."

"Whatever."

*Hung up on*

Like wtf!! I'm kinda glad. No real friend would make you do something you don't want to do, especially speak to you that way. She's going with a group of people as well, it's not as if she were going alone. I get where she was coming from..but that wasn't the way to say it.

And since she's hung up on me, I'm not the one looking like a fucking immature bitch.

Woo hoo! Lol.

Clarity costs $130 an hour

So I have my first appointment with my new friend the Shrink tomorrow morning.  An appointment came up, so instead of waiting another 8 weeks for another appointment to come up, I thought "Why not?" I think I'm kinda excited in a way.. I love to talk and babble, and she's not going to be there to interrupt me and talk all over the top of me..So it's just going to be all about me tomorrow..not that it isn't already all about me..

Well I'd like to think it is anyways.

I'm hoping this will help pave the pathway to what I want.. I desperately need to know. I

So anyways. I've just realised tonight how much I've let myself go. I dyed my hair tonight 3.0 dark brown (the mousey brown was taking over argh!) and I did like a face mask thingie, did my feet (I get really dry skin it's nasty..) and it truly made me feel better. I haven't done the self-maintenance thing in so long. I guess I thought I didn't need to after spending so long with FS (curse him) and since I have been out to meet anyone yet (not that it's my aim to right now) I think I should try a little harder. I think I may go and get my eyebrows done tomorrow, since I haven't done them in months. I've never been to get them done..So I don't know whether to expect hurties or what.

This book I'm reading "Almost French" has really got me imagining myself in Paris.. With every page I read, the increase in desire to want to go to France. The FS situation has actually made me feel like I need to do alot more with my life instead of just standing still and sabotaging my own personal growth for someone who clearly wasn't interested in doing that for me. 

To start, I bought a kit with 3 CD's and a course book. I'm teaching myself French. Starts tomorrow.

As well..I really want to do this writing thing. I know all I've done is bitch about men and how terrific they are not, but I know I can do it. This is something I know I definitely want to do with my life. As for Floristry not so sure. I love it..The creativity and colour..But I don't think it's going to be something that I could do and always be satisfied. Seeing something published with a beautiful hard cover is something I know that would satisfy me every time.  That's even if I get to that point. But I'd like to think that I will. I've bought all these lovely writing reference books to sort myself and my english out..I don't think thingie and uber are really in the dictionary.

I think every step I take forwards will get me somewhere. I just have to stay possimistic.

Oh, and I may be moving out with my father. Interesting.

I spoke to FS today on Facebook.. He annoyed me. I hate his "whatever" respsonse. Dickhead.

April's fool

Lainie: he's moving to cairns! You must call me tonight!

Me: who is?

Lainie: FS ! Its on his facebook

I pushed on to facebook to confirm if what she said were true..
Its true.


All these crazy feelings rush over me as finish reading the last part of lainies text over again.. Could he really be moving to Cairns? Did he know about this the whole time? I became furious..betrayed slightly..deeply hurt. That was not fair I thought.

I texted him.

Me: did you know the whole time you were moving to cairns?

FS: it was an April fools joke silly

Me: twat. :)



Grr! Not funny!
Lol.

Dreamed

Last night had a dream about FS.

My mum had thrown me a party, and as the dream progressed, more and more guests were there, ones from high school especially. FS kept appearing here and there, it was only until I wanted to talk to him that he would walk away..everytime. I found myself chasing after him, only to keep swerving past me. Then, I watched him jump into a pool (a pool I don't have by the way) and he disappeared, which is when I woke up.

I'm feeling uneasy.

Dream life and life seem to be the same in this case.

I don't think I should be alone right now.

Totally not feeling suicidal at all! I just want company. I just went out for dinner with one of my best friends, I totally forgot about the FS situation until driving home. The moment we got out of the car I felt like I wanted to cry! 

And I'm feeling like that now still, already have had a sob or two. I hate feeling this weak! 

Transformers is on Fox.. Woo Hoo! Distraction for 2 hours at least. And Josh Duhamel is one sexy mofo. 

No doubt, I'll go to bed though and have a cry. So ghey. 

I'm hoping Daddy takes me out for breakfast tomorrow. Things with Daddy have been shit lately. Truth be told he has been a horrible father..I know that's a terrible thing to say about my father, but our history is quite sketchy. Anyways, because of all of this emo shite that's been happening with me, I gave a second thought to patching up our relationship. I want a father figure who will be there for me. Yesterday's phone conversation was actually quite surprising. I told him about all the crap I've been going through lately, that I'm considering seeing a shrink (my father is the BIGGEST advocate for shrinks) and he was really supportive. He never is supportive, emotional.. So I'm happy that this is a little more of a positive start for us. 

Plus it will take my mind off of everything.

And secretly I'm hoping to meet up with Sunny. It might mentally retard me a little further but hey what's a little more screwed-up ness..?

Pourquoi ne peut pas quelque chose établir ?

Ah. I feel better I have to say.

"No more stressing, no more tryin, no more cryin, I would rather be alone.."

Which ultimately is true. It's something I run so far away from, but at the end of the day, when I was alone, I was happy. I did my own thing. I looked after myself. I wasn't weighed down by insecurities.

I think I'll miss just the texting every morning and night. Even though half the time he never replied, it was like a security blankie that made me feel that at least someone there. 

I didn't deserve the cold treatment though. I treated him like a king.. and got no special treatment myself. I know it's not all about "receiving". But how can you give so much of yourself to not expect anything in return? How can you devote so much time and effort and faith and not be rewarded with any time and effort and faith and love back? It's unfair. But that's the way it goes I guess.

I'm not a religious person, but the quote "God's rejections areGod's protections" strikes a nerve. It is unbelievably true. I look back and think of all the things I've been denied and feel relieved because it all would have brought me down so much further. 

I'm looking at the loss of Fireman Sam as one of those rejections.   :)

Anyways, back to normal D* style blogging! Fireman who?

I have 2 bits of juiciness.

1.

A few weeks ago when I had a friend stay over from Queensland, I arranged to meet her at the airport. I missed the train that I was hoping to hop on, but the fare to the airport was ridiculous.. like $28 to go like 4 stops. I was completely broke (after booking that little weekend away..grr) and I decided to stay in Circular Quay and wait for her. I occupied myself, watching the street performers, smelling the variety of foods being served in the restaurants (I remember this because I was hungry-lol) and wandering around aimlessly trying to pass the time away. Some random PR guy came up to me asking if I wanted to get a 2 hour hair pamper thing..I always hate them coming up to me because they always approach when I have no bloody money. I would have said yes if I had some cash. Instead, I shook my head, and wandered over to the other side of the Quay, near the Opera House. I could see in the clearing of tourists a guy standing in the middle, looking at me. Once I had made eye contact and got closer to him he stopped me and asked in his thick scottish accent if I wanted to get a 2 hour hair pamper thing. I laughed. "I've just had your friend ask me the same thing!"  We laughed, and he tried to sell me the same thing..for some reason though, thinking that this was going no where, I lied and said I was going to England and couldn't afford it..Why?? I have no idea, lol. He asked me where I was going.. Long pause. Very long pause. "Uh.."  "London??" "Yes, lol, yes London" He told me I would have a fabulous time, he has a mate Phil who he will organise to take care of me and show me the sights (lol) All the while I'm laughing about this in my head. Then, we just started talking about everything. He was explaining this book he was reading about a war or something, and the ways of approaching battle.. I can't remember why, but I was thinking that I thought he was so interesting..funny..clever..cute. There was definitely some flirting going on, and I added him to Facebook on my Blackberry before our conversation had ceased. We said our goodbyes, and the most prominent thing I remember was him watching me and smiling as I walked away. It was like one of those moments in a movie. So weird.

Anyways, We chatted a few times on Facebook, he asked me when I was leaving.. Lol spun some more lies and said April 26th (?) He said he would love to catch up before I left (lol) He gave me his number. I popped it in my phone. This was like.. 2 weeks ago. I felt guilty. I wanted to contact him but held out because of FS. It wasn't fair. 

But in the midst of this week's paranoia and confusion, I thought "Fuck it."

I messaged him, and within 10 I got a text back. I had managed to fob off the trip thanks to my crafty lie skills (something I am not proud about but it does have it's advantages!) and we ended up meeting up that night for a drink..well a coke for me. He is soo damn interesting. He is writing a script, which he hopes he will make a film out of. He's a bartender, and his script is based on what effects alcohol has on relationships.. He knows the director of Trainspotting. He is a Taurus. He has just finished reading this book that has changed his life. He explained this book to me, it was like a self help one, that teaches you to let go of your negativity (and blah blah) but he believes this book has changed his behavioral tendencies forever. He seems so mature..so grown up. So open minded. He is quite funny. I told him about FS. I felt guilty. We didn't really say much. But it just made me realise that there are sooo many other men out there, that are funny and clever and interesting and interested in me. I was settling with FS. It was just one of those factors that helped me make the decision to end things with FS. Nothing much has happened since we parted the station with the Scotsman, a kiss on the cheek and a hug goodbye, said we'd do it again. We'll see. I'm not gonna put everything on this guy.

2.

My ex that I've never wrote about got in contact with me on Facebook out of complete randomness, totally spun me out. We talked occasionally on MSN, and the other day I found out he had broken up with his girlfriend who he went straight out with after we broke up. I was surprised. And due to the whole FS situtation, I felt free enough to talk about everything. We reminisced about everything.. it felt really good. This was a guy I didn't want to end things with, but everything was so complicated, he had a poor family life behind him, he was confused as well. We always said that it was too early for us to have met...that maybe in the future that this could work alot better. I'm not sure, but the way we were chatting was like we were back together it was strange. But not getting ahead of myself..he's just come out of that relationship..intentions may be a little skewed. But I've always missed him..always had him in my heart. And maybe we might meet up for lunch tomorrow. Should be interesting.

Script

fs: cant answer at the moment whats on yor mind

me: i really didnt want to discuss this via text..but i think its best if we stopped seeing each other

fs: fair enough

me: didnt think youd have much to say. i dont want this but i feel you do

fs: i just dont think i can satisfy your needs in terms of what you     would expect from me in a relationship

me: i felt you never tried. for instance: you didnt call me like you     said you would. its stuff like that that show how much you dont     care..or care enough...ive given you so much of me and i             tried so hard to understand but youve never even tried to make       me happy or feel special

fs: i think thats something i done sub consciously because im still     afraid of commitment

me: how should i feel about that? you thought you could just put me     to the side until you were ready?

fs: that was never my intention

me: what was it then

fs: i never had an intention i just wanted to see if things would       work out which i dont think they would if we were in a               relationship

me: yeah well you forgot about how i felt about it obviously. i         think it would be very different if you actually wanted a           relationship. anyways i dont want to talk about this anymore. id     like to stay friends and stuff

me: do you want to stay friends?

No reply.

70/30

Ratio.

70% Awesome time away with FS

30% Shit time away with FS

The 30% was because of my retarded emo-ness. Something is wrong with me I'm sure. I got so so mad such a little petty thing.. all because the boy didn't offer to get me a drink from a shop. 

We argued about it on the way back to our hotel, and by the time we go there no words were being spoken. It scared me. I knew I had gone over the line by a mile. It was my fault. I started crying. He was so mad at the way I had spoken to him and what I was blaming him for. He kept saying that this was not going to work. It broke my heart to hear him say that. It upset me more. He wasn't comforting me because how I had treated him. He didn't want a "reconciliation."

We talked it over. I kept repeating how ending it is not what I want. We come to the conclusion that if we were to argue again on our last day away it would be over.

There were little things that I got upset about during the day.. but I bit my tongue..because I really think there is something the matter with my mind. I'm not saying I'm crazy.. I think I'm hormonal.. I think I'm insecure.. I think I'm very unhappy with my life.. I take it out on people who don't put me on a pedestal. I have too high expectations.. I thought I deserved to have high expectations, but my expectations are so not do-able. No one can satisfy me.

This makes me feel shit.

At least I have come to these realisations.. I'm gonna get this sorted..for everyone's sake!

The 70% was amazing. I do love him. He is a good boy.

In a few moments

I'll be on my way to the Mountains with my beau. Very excited. Bit nervous for the drive.. But still so excited  :)

It is annoying

..because I don't want to love him..just yet. I'm dealing with a highly un-emotional human being! I don't even know if he'll even utter those 3 words to me. So I just feel that its annoying because I have to front...I can't express how I feel.

I definitely love him

but I'll keep it to myself for awhile. 

We spent the day together, and even though it was just simply watching telly, cuddling, laughing, play fighting.. I just look at him and I feel love.

Annoying.

Chocolate Peanut Butter and Praline Pecan

Were the 2 flavours of ice cream I had during my rendezvous with the infamous Ute Boy. And guess what~theres actually nothing special to tell at all. He picked me up in that delectable ute of his •drool• and we just drove around town reminiscing about everything and laughing.

And you know what? All could talk about was Fireman Sam. And as I got out of that ute FS texted me! Aww!

I know I am totally over Ute Boy ! Woo hoo! I consider him an awesome friend though, I guess that's all that matters at the end of the day. And he's moving around the area I'm thinking of moving to, so I could always use an extra friend. :)

I..

really flippin like this guy. I want him here now. 

Ce doit être amour

is French for..

"It must be love"

I'm feeling all soft and shit this morning. I really miss the guy. He left at like 6ish am to go to work [on a Sunday!] Poor bubba. I just wanted him to stay in bed with me instead! It's amazing how you can take for granted time spent when they have to suddenly up and go. 

I'm developing some feelings that I know I can classify as "falling in love" 

Not sure if I'm happy or what with this - lol!

Well of course happy but not sure I want it to happen right now. Everything is sorted with us. And just spending the weekend with him this weekend has already shown me his feelings and stuff are growing too. It's amazing how someone can start off so..awkward..and over a period of time develop feelings and things like that. I think I appreciate him more for it. It just goes to prove that you need to give people chances instead of writing them off.. the good old "He's just not that into you" doesn't work for me at all! I saw that movie, It was sightly a 2 hour waste of my life lol! It was sad, I cried! But you seriously can't use this reasoning for real life. Obviously if he isn't calling, if he isn't taking you out, whatever, "he's just not that into you" but what happens when there actually is emotional baggage holding them back? You can't just write somebody off for that. Maybe I just believe in giving everyone a chance..?

Maybe.

I just started getting off the track. I just know that when we cuddle, I feel all love-ish inside. Like I never want him to leave. I really didn't think I'd feel this way so early. It's annoying. Haha.

Anyways, I'm super excited, me and FS are going away for a long weekend in 2 weeks time. Up to the Blue Mountains, it should be amazing. I've booked an apartment for us to stay in with a spa and all very spiffy things, it's gonna be so good. Next weekend we both have stuff going on, so this will be like the first weekend ever that we won't be hanging out! It's mind-boggling slightly lol, I think it will be great practice for me. FS is going to Thailand in October (awws!) I'm like so happy for him, I  really want to travel as well. But at the same time I'm sad because he will be away.. lol it's so gay!! I accidentally let something slip when he was talking about it, I said something like..

"Don't forget about me while you're gone!"

And he said

"Don't you worry I won't be.. !"

I think that's positive, I would like to think I'll still be there by October. And I think is he thinking that too. 

This is where we'll be staying! 

Loft Studios have a king size bed, ensuite with 2 person Hydrotherapy massage spa bath, lounge area with open fireplace, writing desk, dining table for 2 and a small kitchenette. The lovely soaring ceilings are complimented by glass sliding doors which open to your own private verandahs.

Ooh la la.

Je ne peux pas attendre !

and..

I can just see my ass in here with a glass of wine and some chocolate-dipped strawberries.. heaven.

Ooh and guess what. I got an award. AAw..! Thanks Scoman :)