April's fool

Lainie: he's moving to cairns! You must call me tonight!

Me: who is?

Lainie: FS ! Its on his facebook

I pushed on to facebook to confirm if what she said were true..
Its true.


All these crazy feelings rush over me as finish reading the last part of lainies text over again.. Could he really be moving to Cairns? Did he know about this the whole time? I became furious..betrayed slightly..deeply hurt. That was not fair I thought.

I texted him.

Me: did you know the whole time you were moving to cairns?

FS: it was an April fools joke silly

Me: twat. :)



Grr! Not funny!
Lol.

It is annoying

..because I don't want to love him..just yet. I'm dealing with a highly un-emotional human being! I don't even know if he'll even utter those 3 words to me. So I just feel that its annoying because I have to front...I can't express how I feel.

Here's your context!

I'll give you the story.

Lately his ex has been in contact with him - trying to get him to come back to her even though she cheated on him and all this b.s - he insists to Chat Mole (my name for his ex lol) that he is with me now, doesn't want anything to do with her, asks her to stop contacting him etc etc. Yet he has not deleted her number.

It's been bothering me.

On a completely different day (yesterday) we decided to go on a short road trip up the coast. With me driving. I'm only learning to drive; and going up there is like a 2 hour drive, on busy roads and places i've never been before..so I was stressing. And he started stressing me out the moment he walked in the door. I hate being pressured to drive-I know I need hardcore motivation to drive but I really don't like when it's forced upon me, so I was nervous from that moment. Plus it's that time of the month (sorry guys - but it makes more sense telling you) so I'm a little antsy, a little emo. Like 40 minutes into our road trip, he started gesturing wildly to the right; there was a far right lane beside me so I assumed he meant to get into that lane and turn right.. As I've done so he creates a ruckus about me getting into that lane, I go into panic mode, swerve back into the lane I had intially been in and I just exploded ! I wasn't screaming at all-I just was very forceful with my words and used alot of F's haha! "WHY THE EF WOULD YOU EFFING POINT TO MY RIGHT WHEN YOU DONT WANT ME TO GET IN THAT LANE, THEN GO OFF AT ME WHEN I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT YOU MEANT!!!!!! EF!!!" I didn't mean to lose my cool,I was just so scared with what had just happened and it freaked him out..he went quiet, I loved that he went quiet (lol) and we continued driving. I had had enough after 1 1/2 hours, so he took over, and everything was back to normal. I apologised for going off at him. I thought everything was fine.

So we get out of the car, stroll through Terrigal. It is boiling hot, and I start feeling woozy. He sits me down at some random cafe. I get myself some water. Boat Boy gets me to look at the menu..I'm not hungry. I feel like fruit salad..there's none on the menu. I'm cooling down, but he starts forcing me to try and choose food..I'm not hungry, remember? He gets annoyed. I tell him he can order food, that I'm fine. Tension sparks clearly, especially to the couple over on the table opposite us. I decide I would like a Cheesymite Scroll (A Cheese and Vegimite pastry YUM!!) which can be purchased from across the road. I say I will be back. He stops me. He says he wants to come with me. I say I can go by myself (2 years of singledom does that to you) I explain I don't need him to help me with everything.. Does he think I'm not capable? He says he just wants to go with me. Then he says something about the "yelling" in the car incident. I crack the shits again - I ask him to try and justify the situation, I got stressed out, his notions were misleading, he got stressed out, I got stressed out (again) but still he cannot find a way to justify the whole car incident even after I had sincerely apologised. Then he brings up that maybe I don't want/need a boyfriend. I tell him how I want nothing more to be with him-that it's not what it seems. Cue eye rolls and confused looks. I hand him 5 dollars for his drink, get up and walk away to Bakers Delight. I hear him calling but ignore.. I felt at the time how I didn't want to deal with this..  Have I changed so much into a different "girlfriend?" I used to be annoyingly clingy and dependent - now I'm the complete opposite.

So I walk back from Baker's Delight, to see him waiting for me across the road. I pretend to not see him (why?) and keep walking. He calls my name again, I turn around. I wait for him to catch up. I know he wants to go to the pie shop, so I automatically walk there, and wait. Everything seems to be ok now. 

We sit down with our chosen meals on a wall overlooking the beach - the view is amazing. We're quiet for a little while, then we start small conversation. It goes quiet again. I sit on his lap after he had finished his meal. We cuddle. I feel like everything is going to be alright at this stage. It changes within 2 seconds. He says he isn't happy. That 2008 has been a crappy year, so many things have happened to him, and it's all caught up to him. Says he wants to be with me, but then asks would we stay friends if anything was to happen. My heart has pretty much broken apart by this comment. I know what he's getting at. I reply with a sharp "No" and get off his lap. He makes a fuss about me getting off his lap. Then says how he wishes nothing more than to get in his boat and sail up to Queensland and never come back. REASSURING HUH!

My whole 2 years of singledom/dating life is flashing before my eyes at this point. I've been at this place before, this "I need time to think" place. That is the place they go to and never come back. So I start panicking.. I go into shutdown//detachment mode. I suddenly feel the urge to get as far away from him as possible. Meanwhile, he states he needs a cigarette. He's trying to give up smoking, but he needs one ASAP. We walk to a bottle shop. I wait outside, with nothing but the urge to get away from him. He steps out, I pick up my pace and start walking in the direction to the car. I have my head down at this point. He calls my name again. I stop. "I just wanna go home." He looks at me with these sad eyes, and nods. I walk towards the rocks; it's a dead end. I notice he has moved towards the edge of the rocks and i take this as an opportunity to get away. He notices after a few minutes and is calling out my name loudly. I stop once again. He grabs me and hugs me. He says he doesn't want me to hate him. I stay blank. Tears well up in the corner of my eyes, but I ignore them. We start to walk off. We walk up this crazy hill, me so far ahead in the lead. I don't even ask if he can drive, I open the car up, put my L Plates on, and start driving. He keeps asking if I was ok. I don't reply. I purposely put myself on emotional shutdown.. I don't want to deal with this again! We get to a complicated roundabout, I freak out, but then all the emotions come to a head and I break down just before I need to conquer the roundabout. He tells me to calm down, stop crying, wants me to just get past this round about and he'll take over. I finally pull over when i get a chance. I curl up in the passengers seat and start to cry again. The dating life is still flashing by me. Then I remember: New Years Eve - we were spending it together, with his friends. Now he wants time off.. What am I going to do? Then visions of me spending NYE all by myself starts depressing me so much more. Then I get angry. This is not fair to do this to me! Especially just before NYE. I had already called off going to a music festival just so I could spend New Years Day with him. What the ef was I supposed to do. We drove home in silence. I put my iPod on for extra security. 

We finally get to my place. Still silence. We lay on my bed. I go in for a cuddle but it's like some half assed cuddle. I push myself away. We some how start making out, things start getting a bit ahead of themselves. For a moment, I had forgotten everything that had just happened. Then, he stops. He says he doesn't want it to go any further.. Says he doesn't want this to affect his thinking time. I felt completely rejected as well as recieving a stinging slap in the face as a reminder that he may change his mind completely about us. 

He decides he should leave, and I just lay there, motionless. I let him go. He wants a kiss. A quick peck. No moving. He walks away. I sit and stare at my satin pillows, feeling blank. He thinks I'm crying. I can hear him walking back to my room, saying "Dani don't cry." "I'M NOT CRYING!" I feel like yelling out. I just stay still. he comes back and gives me some half-assed hug, and walks back out again.

I feel better.

I turn on Foxtel (Fox?) and see that Almost Famous is on. I quickly forget everything..yet there is some shadow still lurking behind somewhere. 

He said he would call me in the morning.. that we haven't broken up. 

It's morning.

Number deleted.

"I've lost my way..

It's hard to find it through

I see the night but I've lost all sight of you"

Deleted Dentist Boy's number. Gone. 

Although things haven't actually formally been called off.. it feels

 as though it's over. No replies to texts, no calls..nada.

It's been me initiating texts these days, and I've been so adamant to myself and my needs that I wish to be chased.. not the one chasing. I've had enough.

And although it hurts, I think it's probably for the best.. I'm not gonna waste my feelings on this person. It doesn't seem like he's wasting any feelings on me.

But I know when I get to this strong point he will probably do a turn around and be good (it's normally that way when I give up in these situations) so I guess we will just have to see what happens.. Grr.

You know how much I hate that shit. Lol.

P.S My mouse looks so sick...I don't want her to die :(

This is how I feel..

- ANGRY..!

- Upset

- Guilted

- Confused

- Sad

- W o r r i e d

- Lost.

Why??

Because I had another shitty little fight with the Dentist Boy (aka whiny baby) (lol)  Re: me seeing him this afternoon, even though he initially said he was busy and only decided to hang out after I told him I had bought him a present.. I was really lazy, I had a massive tote bag plus my handbag, and he had asked me to wait 40 minutes and then catch a train (which is away from where I was in the first place), then catch a bus, and train home. He didnt make a fuss when I said no, to only message me a few minutes later to say:

"I seriously can not believe you couldn't wait"

So I got off the train I was on, and called, told him I would get on the next train up to him, as I didn't know it was that big of a deal to him, only to have him tell me not to bother as he is now busy, in a real snide tone. I couldn't believe it. Then he started going off on me about how i fucked him up last night.. Because my mothers rules are my fault..!! GRRRR..!!!

Then the phone call promptly ended, followed by feelings of guilt. As well as feelings of "HOW THE FUCK DARE HE..!" Normally, I never leave a fight unresolved, so I called him back.. No answer. Again.. No answer. I sent a text. "Call me back..please?"

I get this text: Me and Dad are just in between something.. Just text me what's up?

So i write this whole message, that I'm sorry. I never would intentionally fuck him up rah rah

And I get back

"Yea sweet, have a great time in melbourne then, if you wanted to see me you would've waited"

GRRRR

That was the last straw abit hey. I brought up how he still would've seen me regardless of what happened last night, and he was like "yeah not talking about last night" GRR

Then, I just did it. I replied back:

Look, do you want to know me after the weekend or not? What's it gonna be? I've said I'm sorry.

No reply

Hour later

No reply

So I texted

"Should I take that as a NO darling?"

No reply. 

Hrmm.. 

Breaking News

  Dentist Boy                  1

  Mummy Dearest                0

Everything between Dentist Boy and I are A-OK. I explained the situation over a call, and he understood. He didn't realise the context of his texts were a whole lot different to what he meant, and that he definitely didn't want to stop talking to me. He just thought I would have no time for the diddums.. Aw..

But as for Mummy Dearest, no words have been spoken this morning.. just evil "get out of my way" glares (on my behalf.)

Plan A: Move out in January

Plan B: Move out in February

Plan C: Move out in March

Plan Z: Move out in January.

Grrrrr

I am so pissed off/upset right now.

I was supposed to be seeing Dentist Boy but can't as my cow of a mother doesn't want him over. I don't understand how i can pay so much rent but have no entitlements to my own space. 

So I tell the boy and he goes all funny.. Like upset, because he's not going to see me, and then goes all "Yeah talk to you next week have fun" on me. And now I'm upset because none of this is my frickin fault..! I wanted to see him too..! 

But then i'm like, hang on; this guy is being a little immature. I get that it's a last minute thing that i've just turned him down.. but we talk every damn day, so why is he acting all strange..?

WHY CAN'T ANYTHING GO FUCKING RIGHT FOR ME. THIS IS REALLY SHITTING ME..!!

And my poor mouse Minnie is sick. And I've just kinda had a run in with an old school friend.. I'm so over this shit happening. Happy moments please?