oK, getting to the nitty gritty.

This week comprised of:

- a resolution with Fireman Sam.

- drunken texts to Footy Boy..that may have gone too far.. hehe.

- a resolution with Lainie. (?)

- a deep resentment for singledom//couples.

- a realisation that I have no "real" friends.. or I have some, that just hang out with other people.

- another realisation that my seperated parents are really meant to be together.

-

 Happy Hour at Roof Bar - $3 drinks between 5 and 7pm.

So I might start point by point..

FS: Yes! Omg! Closure. But I miss him. Urk.

On my drunken Thursday night, I spotted him on Facebook and in my drunken state of mind thought I must must must speak to him it is vital! 

"talk to me Sammmmmmmm.. pleaseeeeee"

"what is it"

"i'm sorry, i'm really sorry. i'm sorry for everything"

"ok ur forgiven"

"do y

ou hate me i don't want you to hate me"

"why would i hate you"

"because of everything thats happened.. i shouldnt really be saying sorry to you after everything,  but i am, im sorry for everything" (little did he know, I meant I was sorry for ever meeting him..)

"its ok"

"have you got my cardi"

lol

"yes ill send it i forgot your address.. what is it"

Yes!!!

After exchanging my address, I simply said:

"i'm glad we had this chat"

"me too"

"bye"

lol

Ok so I felt sooo much better after that. I don't want anyone hating on me. And I'm getting my cardigan back.. at this stage anyways.. woo hoo! But in finding this closure, I realised I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss that good for nothin fool! Argh. Maybe I just miss his presence..like someone was there..even though he was good for nothin!

I'm sure it will pass.

Footy Boy - and the drunken texts.

They were MY drunken texts (I just can't help myself can I? haha)

I was sitting by myself as Dr Crazy had left me to go get some more cheap $3 goon-or Sparkling Wine as it's properly known as-and was filling silly. The morning texts had stopped! What the! So I decided to message him, after denying myself the pleasure all day. Started off something like: "How you doing how's your day?"

I find out he's in China! For business. We get onto the subject of wine, then promises to call him.

I go to call. No answer.

Grr.

I get a text straight back. "The hostess on the plane is looking at me funny! I'll call you when I land"

This not being good enough, and not wanting the communication to end there, I kept it up. And for some reason I blurted out that I've missed him.. I've never met anyone like him (which is very true..but I can't remember him anymore, lol!) Yada yada.. to which I get back:

"ive missed you too, really cant wait to catch up, alots changed since i have seen you last, will be good to see you"

Lol.. Ok so I took it to far. And he's been messaging me since. Like I had to profess my undying love for him to get more messages, lol!

He's back 4th of May. Not sure how to feel about it. Am I just being desperate? But I feel like, if I was being desperate I'd be hanging on to the phone, waiting for a message, calling, getting all bahjiggity! But I'm not. I almost feel like I've taken shape of a guy. Those ones who tell you they miss you, but really don't, keep you stringin' along till something better pops up. Hrmm..

I do miss the early times we had together..we had soo much fun. Like when you meet someone you click with soo well, and you do proper dates and holding hands is like such a cute thing, sneaking subtle kisses here and there, it was all so new and I was head over heels, he was truly someone different to the normal losers I meet. But then it started to slip away.. And it never was the same.  I've written about the end before.. check it out in my label Footy Boy :)

Oh well, it's some sort of excitement in the man sector..

Lainie, Lainie, Lainie. 

What are we going to do with her? Her Facebook now officially states she is in a relationship-oh goody-and she's making all these lovely plans. Especially going to that music festival with me. I so did not want to give my tickets up for We Love Sounds, but she initially said she couldn't go and then turned around and said she could, and she wants to go with me. I have put alot of that crap behind me, I want to go so badly because it looks like so much fun. But I don't know what to expect. I almost feel sightly like she's using me.

Hrm.

I'm sure we'll find out when she gets my money for the ticket..next week.

Everywhere I turn there is always a couple..or a couple of couples, almost rubbing their happiness in my face. Of course they're not rubbing it in at all. But it feels like it..like a stab in the back.

When will I be in the couples club making everyone else vomit with my PDA'S??

It's not an aim..but it's been sooo long.

So I'm home alone on a Saturday night, hanging out with my parents..I'm having fun spending the time together, as my mum and dad haven't hung out together since I don't even know when, but part of my keeps longing to go out.. longing to be with friends. But then it strikes me.. they're with their boyfriends..husbands.. they're doing other better important things..that don't include me. And it's slightly upsetting. I'm loving this time at home to do stuff for myself, reflect and all that..but I don't know how much longer I can stay at home. I long to be out being silly, meeting and making new friends, to forget the old ones. Drinking nice whites, and even Vodka and Red Bulls..dancing like no one's watching..and just laughing. I never knew making new friends would be this hard. I guess it doesn't help living so far away from everyone. I'll just blame that for the moment.

And today is crazy, as I said before, my parents are hanging out for the first time in yonks. My dad has been here since 9:30am.. it's now.. 6:51pm. We went to lunch and shopping and watched movies and had a nice homemade satay and it's so weird. This is how it was m

eant to be. I can see by the way they talk to each other, look at each other, they miss each other. There's some kind of light and spark. It's kinda cute.

I think it would be stranger than fiction if something was to happen and go further.. kinda scary actually.

That satay was so yum. I think I could easily fall asleep.. My dad is constantly calling out to me. How annoying. He ain't livin' here. lol.

Am I a nice person?

My mother seems to think not. She seems to think I'm the one to be blamed for everything going wrong in my life...

Which I think is incredibly unfair..

She's taken the side of Lainie, saying I deserved all I got.. I can see where she's coming from..I truly do. But after everything that Lainie has said to me and how catty she has been towards me

 previously, before the whole going out shamozzle last week, it still makes no difference to my mother..my mother is one of those tactless people (whom I can't stand and whom I never wish I would be like/turn into) and only sees one view. Normally it's always against me. 

My mother has been like this towards me my whole life.. She has never once stuck up for me and sided for me. Once..I was playing

 with my cousin in his pool when we were about 12 and 8.. He started to try and push my under the water..almost like trying to drown me. I was screaming for my mother, who was sitting about 20 metres away..I was waving my hands frantically above my head, splashing about, but she did nothing about it. I managed to free myself and pulled myself out of that pool, crying. I

 ran towards her, and she had nothing to say. She did nothing.

I asked her recently what that was about.. Her answer was that pretty much she didn't want to start anything between her and her sister (My aunt and the mother of my cousin obviously) and I was kinda enraged by that. How could you feel that way, when you're watching your only daughter being held under water? How could you not want to do anything about it? It still haunts me. And that argument just then reminded me of her faith to others and not to me.  

She also blamed the break-down of another friendship on me, saying

 that this other friend had no choice after the things I had said to her..yet this other friend initiated the "discussion" and had pointed out millions of my faults and things I had done. This other friend had said things to me, too..so how was that all of my fault? This other friend had hoarded an issue about me after I had said something stupid for like nearly 2 years. How is it my fault that she could not come to me to talk about it first? To then, holding everything against me for the next year or so, building up on everything I said to her. I had no issue with her at all. I wasn't

 upset. She and her sister had said and done things to me towards the end where I was feeling slight resentment.. But I figured that it was just those girls as people..Just like my mother..It's just her with her tactlessness and narrow-mindness..

And really, looking back and thinking about things I had said to this friend.. I was only trying to be protective.. We would go out at night, and they would wear the most sluttiest outfits. Their buttcheeks would be literally hanging out. I would say things like.. "Is that something you're comfortable in? lol or "Aren't you cold?" to try and hint..But I just got called a name caller for that. It wasn't jealously at all. They are the most prettiest girls, but the

y were giving off the wrong persona about themselves through their dress.. And would whinge about the type of men they would meet, and how girls would give them dirty looks. What did they expect when they would dress like that and get so drunk they'd be falling all over each other? And I wasn't impressed by the way it would make me look. I wasn't like that at all, and I still am not. But you could never tell them. And I think I may have said something about the kinda guys you would meet at the clubs to the sister.. I told her that they probably aren't the most ideal places to meet men who want to settle down.. but I think she took it the wrong way, a

 way which I didn't even mean..but they're just so naive about those things. 

It's hard, and it hurts. Maybe I am a terrible friend. I always thought that I was protective, supportive, caring, loyal. But I felt I never recieved that back from any friend. So what is wrong with clearing out the weeds? What is wrong with getting rid of the people who have weighed me down in the past, who have not made me feel secure and happy..? I spoke to the shrink about this yesterday and she kinda has the opposite mentality.. She says it's all about

 compromise in friendships just as it is in relationships. But why is it that I've always felt compromised in these friendships??

Ok, that vent has made me feel better. I instantly bawled my eyes out after my mother had said all of that to me. I've been feeling funny this week. I've had a shit week. After the Lainie and FS thing, I thought I was ok, but shrink thinks I haven't processed it all yet, which had pretty much carried on through the week at work. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong on Thursday and Friday, I felt like shit. I had the guilts about FS on Friday night. I

 didn't realise at the time but I was missing him. And I felt so bad about yelling at him. Even though he deserved it (I think, after this morning's rant at by mum, not sure) I apologised on Facebook chat..he went offline. Ok. Then I had a massive urge to call him yesterday, to which I did. It rang out. Nothing returned back.. Which did not surprise me. But it did make me feel better, that at least I had tried. I had good intentions. And it's ok if he doesn't feel the same. It's fine. 

But ultimately I do miss him, wish I could squeeze him tight. These thoughts need to be eliminated ASAP.

I had a crappy and what they call "dump" session at Shrink. I just poured all over the happenings of last week, had massive verbal diarrhea and did not shut up. Only to get no where. Oh my goodness. "The Scientist" by Coldplay is playing on Channel V.. Instant tears. What's wrong with me..?? I am feeling so down right now. This sucks. This song reminds me of Sunny. The last days. I

 just would love to go back to security, which is what I had with Sunny..and never realised until we had broken up.

Anyways, back to shrink details. I just non-stop crapped on about nothing. She feels I'm not processing all these goings-on due to "no reflective time" which doesn't surprise me. I have been so busy trying to keep myself busy this week, thinking it would help me get my mind off things, yet it has only held back the processing process apparently. My homework for next session is to write one High and one Low of each day. Yay. Only one. Lol. 

I'm going for a driving lesson with my Aunty this afternoon which I think will be fabulous for me. I can vent to her, she's cool. She looked after me alot when I was growing up. I'm kinda like the stand-in daughter. She bought me fudge after the FS incident on Monday. Instant cheer up.

Remember Footy Boy? He started chatting to me on Facebook. I was kinda surprised..he remembered pretty much of everything about me

 last year, all the little things. He wants to catch up, like the first day we meet. At a football game. I don't know what to make of that. I'm curious. But he was very much like FS.. not sure about what he wanted. So I will keep my distance I think..let him do the work if he is genuinely interested. I'm not going through this again. I refuse to!

I want to crawl back into bed for the day.. 

Breaking News

  Dentist Boy                  1

  Mummy Dearest                0

Everything between Dentist Boy and I are A-OK. I explained the situation over a call, and he understood. He didn't realise the context of his texts were a whole lot different to what he meant, and that he definitely didn't want to stop talking to me. He just thought I would have no time for the diddums.. Aw..

But as for Mummy Dearest, no words have been spoken this morning.. just evil "get out of my way" glares (on my behalf.)

Plan A: Move out in January

Plan B: Move out in February

Plan C: Move out in March

Plan Z: Move out in January.

Grrrrr

I am so pissed off/upset right now.

I was supposed to be seeing Dentist Boy but can't as my cow of a mother doesn't want him over. I don't understand how i can pay so much rent but have no entitlements to my own space. 

So I tell the boy and he goes all funny.. Like upset, because he's not going to see me, and then goes all "Yeah talk to you next week have fun" on me. And now I'm upset because none of this is my frickin fault..! I wanted to see him too..! 

But then i'm like, hang on; this guy is being a little immature. I get that it's a last minute thing that i've just turned him down.. but we talk every damn day, so why is he acting all strange..?

WHY CAN'T ANYTHING GO FUCKING RIGHT FOR ME. THIS IS REALLY SHITTING ME..!!

And my poor mouse Minnie is sick. And I've just kinda had a run in with an old school friend.. I'm so over this shit happening. Happy moments please?