Should i delete my blog??

I can't decide.

I want to keep it. But I'm getting lazy. Things aren't that exciting at the moment.. Fireman Sam and I are going steadily. But the blog.. it's just all about love and stuff, which is what I wanted to blog about, but I also intially wanted my blog to be a little deeper..about other stuff about life.. not centrally revolved around boys.

Help?

February's word: Wonderment

Urk.

Things have been all over the shop with me. I've skipped three periods and I'm massively overdue for serious PMS which I feel has already come one 3 weeks early. And I'm taking it out on myself and everyone else that gets in my way!

But at the same time.. urgh actually I don't know. 

Boat Boy called me up a few weeks ago to tell me he has a sexually transmitted infection.. Chlamydia (however you spell it!) Killed me. I got so many tests done and I'm all clear! I am soooo relieved. I told the Fireman and he was so cool about it. I was so amazed. He is amazing.

I really like the Fireman really really.. But I'm not sure if he can give me what I need. He is a blokes bloke; he is not some "Sensitive New Age Guy" which is what I'm so used to.. So maybe it's me that's just not used to a different approach. I know he genuinely cares though.. He tries so hard..and that's what make me want him more. Inside me wants the best for me but for some reason I can't walk away.. I feel like I need to give him his time and from that I know he'll come around.. when it will happen is the issue.. But it's an issue that I keep blocking out.. Am I doing a friggin dumb thing??

Anyways........

I'm in a rut with work.. 

I hate it slightly. 

It's not what I want anymore.

I don't know what I want anymore.

I just want to have babies and play housewife. I'm not selling out. It's what I want. I haven't imagined my life without that.  But what if it isn't going to happen??? Really?? What the hell do I do? What the hell am I going to do? I have no idea of a career path. I have no desire to choose one.. I know I have to. I have no passion for one thing.. I have passion for many many things.. Most that are out of my range at the moment. I'd love to go to Uni.. Become an Art Teacher.. Do writing.. Do Psychology. I have so many things I want to do. It's crowding my brain!! I'm not ready to make a decision..but I don't think I can stand my job much longer.. 

I don't know what I want anymore..

Is missing him..

Urk.. 

This is what I HATE about falling head over heels over a boy..

The missing part.

He came over today on my day off to keep me company.. argh I wish didn't have to go. We had a lovely bludgey day just spending time together, watching movies and laughing at Jerry Springer..

It's kinda shit though.. I'm still not 100% how I feel. Maybe I've gotten too comfortable and this is really how I feel about him-I like him, but I'm not gonna go crazy and psychotic on the poor darling. At the same time: I want that cute gushy feeling. I want to smile about every little damn thing. I think maybe because he is not overly-romantic that I have subsided the behaviour. He's told me that he is romantic..He just needs to get comfortable with me which is understandable. He's getting better, more open. I'm just letting him take his time. I'd say I must like him because normally I wouldn't even give them a second to take their time.. it's my way or the highway baby!!

So - I won't get to see him until next Tuesday..he's working all weekend for a few weekends in a row which sucks. He won't be going to Good Vibes anymore (:/) so I will totally miss him on Valentine's Day (yes I know a stupid day but a good excuse to get pressies) then it's his birthday on the 17th which is my day off but I'm having my wisdoms out.. (yikes) soo I'm not sure what's gonna happen. But I do plan to buy him a pre-Valentines/Birthday pressie to give to him on Tuesday.. I'm prob getting ahead of myself but meh. I have positive vibes about this. 

That's all that matters, right? 

Awsss..

I just spend the weekend away with Fireman Sam.. and it was sooo good.. I finally got to know more about my darling.. And he knows exactly how I feel.. and I know (slightly more lol) how he feels...   Ahhhh back in like again!! I miss him already..!!