oK, getting to the nitty gritty.

This week comprised of:

- a resolution with Fireman Sam.

- drunken texts to Footy Boy..that may have gone too far.. hehe.

- a resolution with Lainie. (?)

- a deep resentment for singledom//couples.

- a realisation that I have no "real" friends.. or I have some, that just hang out with other people.

- another realisation that my seperated parents are really meant to be together.

-

 Happy Hour at Roof Bar - $3 drinks between 5 and 7pm.

So I might start point by point..

FS: Yes! Omg! Closure. But I miss him. Urk.

On my drunken Thursday night, I spotted him on Facebook and in my drunken state of mind thought I must must must speak to him it is vital! 

"talk to me Sammmmmmmm.. pleaseeeeee"

"what is it"

"i'm sorry, i'm really sorry. i'm sorry for everything"

"ok ur forgiven"

"do y

ou hate me i don't want you to hate me"

"why would i hate you"

"because of everything thats happened.. i shouldnt really be saying sorry to you after everything,  but i am, im sorry for everything" (little did he know, I meant I was sorry for ever meeting him..)

"its ok"

"have you got my cardi"

lol

"yes ill send it i forgot your address.. what is it"

Yes!!!

After exchanging my address, I simply said:

"i'm glad we had this chat"

"me too"

"bye"

lol

Ok so I felt sooo much better after that. I don't want anyone hating on me. And I'm getting my cardigan back.. at this stage anyways.. woo hoo! But in finding this closure, I realised I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss that good for nothin fool! Argh. Maybe I just miss his presence..like someone was there..even though he was good for nothin!

I'm sure it will pass.

Footy Boy - and the drunken texts.

They were MY drunken texts (I just can't help myself can I? haha)

I was sitting by myself as Dr Crazy had left me to go get some more cheap $3 goon-or Sparkling Wine as it's properly known as-and was filling silly. The morning texts had stopped! What the! So I decided to message him, after denying myself the pleasure all day. Started off something like: "How you doing how's your day?"

I find out he's in China! For business. We get onto the subject of wine, then promises to call him.

I go to call. No answer.

Grr.

I get a text straight back. "The hostess on the plane is looking at me funny! I'll call you when I land"

This not being good enough, and not wanting the communication to end there, I kept it up. And for some reason I blurted out that I've missed him.. I've never met anyone like him (which is very true..but I can't remember him anymore, lol!) Yada yada.. to which I get back:

"ive missed you too, really cant wait to catch up, alots changed since i have seen you last, will be good to see you"

Lol.. Ok so I took it to far. And he's been messaging me since. Like I had to profess my undying love for him to get more messages, lol!

He's back 4th of May. Not sure how to feel about it. Am I just being desperate? But I feel like, if I was being desperate I'd be hanging on to the phone, waiting for a message, calling, getting all bahjiggity! But I'm not. I almost feel like I've taken shape of a guy. Those ones who tell you they miss you, but really don't, keep you stringin' along till something better pops up. Hrmm..

I do miss the early times we had together..we had soo much fun. Like when you meet someone you click with soo well, and you do proper dates and holding hands is like such a cute thing, sneaking subtle kisses here and there, it was all so new and I was head over heels, he was truly someone different to the normal losers I meet. But then it started to slip away.. And it never was the same.  I've written about the end before.. check it out in my label Footy Boy :)

Oh well, it's some sort of excitement in the man sector..

Lainie, Lainie, Lainie. 

What are we going to do with her? Her Facebook now officially states she is in a relationship-oh goody-and she's making all these lovely plans. Especially going to that music festival with me. I so did not want to give my tickets up for We Love Sounds, but she initially said she couldn't go and then turned around and said she could, and she wants to go with me. I have put alot of that crap behind me, I want to go so badly because it looks like so much fun. But I don't know what to expect. I almost feel sightly like she's using me.

Hrm.

I'm sure we'll find out when she gets my money for the ticket..next week.

Everywhere I turn there is always a couple..or a couple of couples, almost rubbing their happiness in my face. Of course they're not rubbing it in at all. But it feels like it..like a stab in the back.

When will I be in the couples club making everyone else vomit with my PDA'S??

It's not an aim..but it's been sooo long.

So I'm home alone on a Saturday night, hanging out with my parents..I'm having fun spending the time together, as my mum and dad haven't hung out together since I don't even know when, but part of my keeps longing to go out.. longing to be with friends. But then it strikes me.. they're with their boyfriends..husbands.. they're doing other better important things..that don't include me. And it's slightly upsetting. I'm loving this time at home to do stuff for myself, reflect and all that..but I don't know how much longer I can stay at home. I long to be out being silly, meeting and making new friends, to forget the old ones. Drinking nice whites, and even Vodka and Red Bulls..dancing like no one's watching..and just laughing. I never knew making new friends would be this hard. I guess it doesn't help living so far away from everyone. I'll just blame that for the moment.

And today is crazy, as I said before, my parents are hanging out for the first time in yonks. My dad has been here since 9:30am.. it's now.. 6:51pm. We went to lunch and shopping and watched movies and had a nice homemade satay and it's so weird. This is how it was m

eant to be. I can see by the way they talk to each other, look at each other, they miss each other. There's some kind of light and spark. It's kinda cute.

I think it would be stranger than fiction if something was to happen and go further.. kinda scary actually.

That satay was so yum. I think I could easily fall asleep.. My dad is constantly calling out to me. How annoying. He ain't livin' here. lol.

Clarity costs $130 an hour

So I have my first appointment with my new friend the Shrink tomorrow morning.  An appointment came up, so instead of waiting another 8 weeks for another appointment to come up, I thought "Why not?" I think I'm kinda excited in a way.. I love to talk and babble, and she's not going to be there to interrupt me and talk all over the top of me..So it's just going to be all about me tomorrow..not that it isn't already all about me..

Well I'd like to think it is anyways.

I'm hoping this will help pave the pathway to what I want.. I desperately need to know. I

So anyways. I've just realised tonight how much I've let myself go. I dyed my hair tonight 3.0 dark brown (the mousey brown was taking over argh!) and I did like a face mask thingie, did my feet (I get really dry skin it's nasty..) and it truly made me feel better. I haven't done the self-maintenance thing in so long. I guess I thought I didn't need to after spending so long with FS (curse him) and since I have been out to meet anyone yet (not that it's my aim to right now) I think I should try a little harder. I think I may go and get my eyebrows done tomorrow, since I haven't done them in months. I've never been to get them done..So I don't know whether to expect hurties or what.

This book I'm reading "Almost French" has really got me imagining myself in Paris.. With every page I read, the increase in desire to want to go to France. The FS situation has actually made me feel like I need to do alot more with my life instead of just standing still and sabotaging my own personal growth for someone who clearly wasn't interested in doing that for me. 

To start, I bought a kit with 3 CD's and a course book. I'm teaching myself French. Starts tomorrow.

As well..I really want to do this writing thing. I know all I've done is bitch about men and how terrific they are not, but I know I can do it. This is something I know I definitely want to do with my life. As for Floristry not so sure. I love it..The creativity and colour..But I don't think it's going to be something that I could do and always be satisfied. Seeing something published with a beautiful hard cover is something I know that would satisfy me every time.  That's even if I get to that point. But I'd like to think that I will. I've bought all these lovely writing reference books to sort myself and my english out..I don't think thingie and uber are really in the dictionary.

I think every step I take forwards will get me somewhere. I just have to stay possimistic.

Oh, and I may be moving out with my father. Interesting.

I spoke to FS today on Facebook.. He annoyed me. I hate his "whatever" respsonse. Dickhead.

Uber is my word for today

Uber tired

Uber wanting to go to Par-ee (aka: Paris)

Uber hating on the rain, loving it at bedtime though

Uber loving Tim Tam (BFF)

Uber not as psychotic

Uber better.

Uber is so a word isn't it!?

Anyways. Day.. 4 of "no more prat men" phase. Nothing has been happening, literally. Working. Doing so much more at work..ordering and stuff. I'm putting all of my happy energy into it. BTW- I'm not crazy anymore..! It was FS who brought out the crazy in me I'm sure. Don't get me wrong, my work isn't something I'm highly passionate about.. but I'm not upset and all over the shop anymore when I'm there. It was FS. Blame him, it's easier that way.

Maybe too that love-o workmate has gone away for 3 months has helped. I hope she doesn't come back.. I know that's really mean..But I'm over everything being about her. And how hopeless she is at her job sometimes. And I'm taking over her job as we speak.

It's really pouring now. 

I feel like cuddles. 

Anyways. Sunny, whom I was supposed to meet up with Sunday afternoon dogged it. He had been to a music festival the day before, I think he was paying for it the next day. He told me he was sick and had to sleep. Which is cool, whatevs. But apart of me feels like he is avoiding the meeting. Which is cool too, whatevs. He should just tell me though. I felt like an idiot waiting on his texts. Not that feeling again..! Especially for somebody who means nothing. Well means a teeny weeny bit. Still not cool though.

And Scotsman, haven't really spoken to him either. I wonder if telling him about FS has stuffed that up. Oh well, at least I was being truthful.

That's all that matters, right?

Also.. Daddy/Daughter day started off miserably. We had a massive argument at CityExtra whilst ordering breakfast. He is such a pushy bastard, and is so close minded. He thinks we should all think how he thinks. He got mad at me for disagreeing with something dumb, and started raising his voice.. "Now you're acting like a fucking five year old D____ just eat your breakfast and be quiet"

..I'm not fucking 12 you twat. Don't speak to me like that.

Anyways, we got over it. We ended up spending most of the day together.. from 7am to about.. 2:30pm. We saw Slumdog Millionaire in Sydney and had Malaysian in Ultimo. I bought "Almost French" for 9 bucks in this awesome new and used bookshop on Pitt Street. A travel memoir about an Australian girl who falls in love with a frenchman and moves to France. It is fabulous. It inspires me. I want to go to France.

Dad has been hounding me about the shrink. He has been treating me like glass about it..Constantly asking me if I'm ok, to relax, breathing techniques. To book an appointment with the lady shrink. 

I'm actually fine. As I said, FS was a major contributor. Asshole. 

I guess I should appreciate my father doting on me. I can't get in to see the shrink for like 6-8 weeks anyways, I'm on a list. Just like the Chanel earrings waiting list. At least it's not a 2 year wait. 

I'm ok, I'm relaxed, and my breathing is deep and calm.

Just give it a few days/weeks/months, it will be chaos like usual.

 

Btw.. ScoMan gave me an award. Thanks matey. :)

I don't think I should be alone right now.

Totally not feeling suicidal at all! I just want company. I just went out for dinner with one of my best friends, I totally forgot about the FS situation until driving home. The moment we got out of the car I felt like I wanted to cry! 

And I'm feeling like that now still, already have had a sob or two. I hate feeling this weak! 

Transformers is on Fox.. Woo Hoo! Distraction for 2 hours at least. And Josh Duhamel is one sexy mofo. 

No doubt, I'll go to bed though and have a cry. So ghey. 

I'm hoping Daddy takes me out for breakfast tomorrow. Things with Daddy have been shit lately. Truth be told he has been a horrible father..I know that's a terrible thing to say about my father, but our history is quite sketchy. Anyways, because of all of this emo shite that's been happening with me, I gave a second thought to patching up our relationship. I want a father figure who will be there for me. Yesterday's phone conversation was actually quite surprising. I told him about all the crap I've been going through lately, that I'm considering seeing a shrink (my father is the BIGGEST advocate for shrinks) and he was really supportive. He never is supportive, emotional.. So I'm happy that this is a little more of a positive start for us. 

Plus it will take my mind off of everything.

And secretly I'm hoping to meet up with Sunny. It might mentally retard me a little further but hey what's a little more screwed-up ness..?