February's word: Wonderment

Urk.

Things have been all over the shop with me. I've skipped three periods and I'm massively overdue for serious PMS which I feel has already come one 3 weeks early. And I'm taking it out on myself and everyone else that gets in my way!

But at the same time.. urgh actually I don't know. 

Boat Boy called me up a few weeks ago to tell me he has a sexually transmitted infection.. Chlamydia (however you spell it!) Killed me. I got so many tests done and I'm all clear! I am soooo relieved. I told the Fireman and he was so cool about it. I was so amazed. He is amazing.

I really like the Fireman really really.. But I'm not sure if he can give me what I need. He is a blokes bloke; he is not some "Sensitive New Age Guy" which is what I'm so used to.. So maybe it's me that's just not used to a different approach. I know he genuinely cares though.. He tries so hard..and that's what make me want him more. Inside me wants the best for me but for some reason I can't walk away.. I feel like I need to give him his time and from that I know he'll come around.. when it will happen is the issue.. But it's an issue that I keep blocking out.. Am I doing a friggin dumb thing??

Anyways........

I'm in a rut with work.. 

I hate it slightly. 

It's not what I want anymore.

I don't know what I want anymore.

I just want to have babies and play housewife. I'm not selling out. It's what I want. I haven't imagined my life without that.  But what if it isn't going to happen??? Really?? What the hell do I do? What the hell am I going to do? I have no idea of a career path. I have no desire to choose one.. I know I have to. I have no passion for one thing.. I have passion for many many things.. Most that are out of my range at the moment. I'd love to go to Uni.. Become an Art Teacher.. Do writing.. Do Psychology. I have so many things I want to do. It's crowding my brain!! I'm not ready to make a decision..but I don't think I can stand my job much longer.. 

I don't know what I want anymore..

Why do I do this to myself..?

I'm freaking myself out again about this new little "Relationship" I have going..

Today is the first day we haven't seen each other. 

He's busy this weekend.. 

So I'm wondering how much he will actually be in touch with me.. this could be a real test.

I hate being this way.

I just want to relax and go with the flow and all I ever think about is consequences and the future..

When will I get over this stage..? 

Will I ever ease up?

I just hope I get to see him next week... 

He knows I'm off to Melbourne on Friday and that I want to see him before then. 

We'll see.

Gosh I hate boys. They give me so many reasons to doubt them..! And my "boy" has not even done anything wrong. 

Urk.. I hate that I cant even call him "my boy.."

P.s.. this was not meant to offend any of my favourite guy bloggers.. Let's just re-phrase:
Gosh I hate boys. Well the boys that have screwed it up for me in the past to trust the boys for the future. I have been given so many reasons to doubt them..! And my "boy" has not even done anything wrong.

Just an update:

I have totally fucked things up. 

Entering the state of Confusion; Population 1

Stay tuned. This may end badly.    :/

Dating politics are effed..!

I have some juiciness..!

In a VERY weird twist of events.. I ended up hooking up with my first ever boyfriend.. ever..! We ha been talking for a while, there's been some harmless flirting here and there. But I never saw it coming. Don't get me wrong, the texting frequented to 4am in the morning texts, but waffles brought us together. I brag that I make the best waffles..! And I had to prove myself, I made some awesome banana and chocolate waffles..! And they worked. We ended up spending the whole day together (which is something I haven't experienced in a very LONG time) we went to this lake area where we went bushwalking and sat on these massive rocks hanging over the edge of the lake in the sun.. It was so nice to have some decent company. Then he started throwing sticks at me. And I knew it was on.

Then we ended up back at my place in my room watching Hot Fuzz.. And all we did was talk through it. Then he started the tickling (I am very ticklish) and then we just kinda ended up together. It was really weird. 

It felt so good getting cuddles. I haven't had them in a long time. 

But then.. after he left, my mum to give me her opinion. And it hurt. He is kinda not my type (Do I only seem to attract these types lol?) and my mum brought up the fact that we're so connected by our friends and family (we're all good family friends) and that we're all gonna know each other business and it's just gonna be all gossip. And THEN she brought up the whole "Are you just getting desperate because you haven't got anyone on the side besides him. He's not your type. He's a nice boy but I dont think so..?"

And that killed me. And it also make me do a second thought. What if I am being desperate..? Is this settling for second best? All these thoughts keep running through my head, and I can't get them out. He's been texting me all day. And I love it. But what if I am acting desperate and don't realise until it's too late? Hurt him in the process. Dump him (for the second time..lol). Maybe i might see him again and nothing's there? What the hell do I do? I really don't want to hear anybodies opinions. He's very very sweet. Surprisingly.. But he is a party boy.. And has made it clear he is nowhere near settling, he's mates come first and all of that bros before hoes yada yada.. And I am the EXTREME opposite. I want marriage and babies. And slightly soon. If possible.. Lol.

So when I asked him what the go is with us last night, he said that we're just gonna run with it and see where it takes us. What does that mean?

What the bloody hell do I do...?

I hate the state of confusion..

I also went out on Satdy night, and met absolutely NO ONE..! Hahaha...! And at the place that it was, I'm kinda glad.. so friggin seedy hey. There was my big bang into single life. Lol..!