ANZAC day..

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old:Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

I miss my grandfather terribly.

 

Am I a nice person?

My mother seems to think not. She seems to think I'm the one to be blamed for everything going wrong in my life...

Which I think is incredibly unfair..

She's taken the side of Lainie, saying I deserved all I got.. I can see where she's coming from..I truly do. But after everything that Lainie has said to me and how catty she has been towards me

 previously, before the whole going out shamozzle last week, it still makes no difference to my mother..my mother is one of those tactless people (whom I can't stand and whom I never wish I would be like/turn into) and only sees one view. Normally it's always against me. 

My mother has been like this towards me my whole life.. She has never once stuck up for me and sided for me. Once..I was playing

 with my cousin in his pool when we were about 12 and 8.. He started to try and push my under the water..almost like trying to drown me. I was screaming for my mother, who was sitting about 20 metres away..I was waving my hands frantically above my head, splashing about, but she did nothing about it. I managed to free myself and pulled myself out of that pool, crying. I

 ran towards her, and she had nothing to say. She did nothing.

I asked her recently what that was about.. Her answer was that pretty much she didn't want to start anything between her and her sister (My aunt and the mother of my cousin obviously) and I was kinda enraged by that. How could you feel that way, when you're watching your only daughter being held under water? How could you not want to do anything about it? It still haunts me. And that argument just then reminded me of her faith to others and not to me.  

She also blamed the break-down of another friendship on me, saying

 that this other friend had no choice after the things I had said to her..yet this other friend initiated the "discussion" and had pointed out millions of my faults and things I had done. This other friend had said things to me, too..so how was that all of my fault? This other friend had hoarded an issue about me after I had said something stupid for like nearly 2 years. How is it my fault that she could not come to me to talk about it first? To then, holding everything against me for the next year or so, building up on everything I said to her. I had no issue with her at all. I wasn't

 upset. She and her sister had said and done things to me towards the end where I was feeling slight resentment.. But I figured that it was just those girls as people..Just like my mother..It's just her with her tactlessness and narrow-mindness..

And really, looking back and thinking about things I had said to this friend.. I was only trying to be protective.. We would go out at night, and they would wear the most sluttiest outfits. Their buttcheeks would be literally hanging out. I would say things like.. "Is that something you're comfortable in? lol or "Aren't you cold?" to try and hint..But I just got called a name caller for that. It wasn't jealously at all. They are the most prettiest girls, but the

y were giving off the wrong persona about themselves through their dress.. And would whinge about the type of men they would meet, and how girls would give them dirty looks. What did they expect when they would dress like that and get so drunk they'd be falling all over each other? And I wasn't impressed by the way it would make me look. I wasn't like that at all, and I still am not. But you could never tell them. And I think I may have said something about the kinda guys you would meet at the clubs to the sister.. I told her that they probably aren't the most ideal places to meet men who want to settle down.. but I think she took it the wrong way, a

 way which I didn't even mean..but they're just so naive about those things. 

It's hard, and it hurts. Maybe I am a terrible friend. I always thought that I was protective, supportive, caring, loyal. But I felt I never recieved that back from any friend. So what is wrong with clearing out the weeds? What is wrong with getting rid of the people who have weighed me down in the past, who have not made me feel secure and happy..? I spoke to the shrink about this yesterday and she kinda has the opposite mentality.. She says it's all about

 compromise in friendships just as it is in relationships. But why is it that I've always felt compromised in these friendships??

Ok, that vent has made me feel better. I instantly bawled my eyes out after my mother had said all of that to me. I've been feeling funny this week. I've had a shit week. After the Lainie and FS thing, I thought I was ok, but shrink thinks I haven't processed it all yet, which had pretty much carried on through the week at work. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong on Thursday and Friday, I felt like shit. I had the guilts about FS on Friday night. I

 didn't realise at the time but I was missing him. And I felt so bad about yelling at him. Even though he deserved it (I think, after this morning's rant at by mum, not sure) I apologised on Facebook chat..he went offline. Ok. Then I had a massive urge to call him yesterday, to which I did. It rang out. Nothing returned back.. Which did not surprise me. But it did make me feel better, that at least I had tried. I had good intentions. And it's ok if he doesn't feel the same. It's fine. 

But ultimately I do miss him, wish I could squeeze him tight. These thoughts need to be eliminated ASAP.

I had a crappy and what they call "dump" session at Shrink. I just poured all over the happenings of last week, had massive verbal diarrhea and did not shut up. Only to get no where. Oh my goodness. "The Scientist" by Coldplay is playing on Channel V.. Instant tears. What's wrong with me..?? I am feeling so down right now. This sucks. This song reminds me of Sunny. The last days. I

 just would love to go back to security, which is what I had with Sunny..and never realised until we had broken up.

Anyways, back to shrink details. I just non-stop crapped on about nothing. She feels I'm not processing all these goings-on due to "no reflective time" which doesn't surprise me. I have been so busy trying to keep myself busy this week, thinking it would help me get my mind off things, yet it has only held back the processing process apparently. My homework for next session is to write one High and one Low of each day. Yay. Only one. Lol. 

I'm going for a driving lesson with my Aunty this afternoon which I think will be fabulous for me. I can vent to her, she's cool. She looked after me alot when I was growing up. I'm kinda like the stand-in daughter. She bought me fudge after the FS incident on Monday. Instant cheer up.

Remember Footy Boy? He started chatting to me on Facebook. I was kinda surprised..he remembered pretty much of everything about me

 last year, all the little things. He wants to catch up, like the first day we meet. At a football game. I don't know what to make of that. I'm curious. But he was very much like FS.. not sure about what he wanted. So I will keep my distance I think..let him do the work if he is genuinely interested. I'm not going through this again. I refuse to!

I want to crawl back into bed for the day.. 

Heartbroken once again

Yeah.

FS again..

He didn't come see me. Well he's too tired to anyways.

And he was serious.. but not serious about a serious relationship.

My last words:

On Facebook!!!

Fuck off. Delete my number. My address is _______________ I expect my cardigan back this week.

Sam is now offline.

I'm fine. I had my cry. I hate him. I will spear him the next time I see him. Lol.

I don't think I should be alone right now.

Totally not feeling suicidal at all! I just want company. I just went out for dinner with one of my best friends, I totally forgot about the FS situation until driving home. The moment we got out of the car I felt like I wanted to cry! 

And I'm feeling like that now still, already have had a sob or two. I hate feeling this weak! 

Transformers is on Fox.. Woo Hoo! Distraction for 2 hours at least. And Josh Duhamel is one sexy mofo. 

No doubt, I'll go to bed though and have a cry. So ghey. 

I'm hoping Daddy takes me out for breakfast tomorrow. Things with Daddy have been shit lately. Truth be told he has been a horrible father..I know that's a terrible thing to say about my father, but our history is quite sketchy. Anyways, because of all of this emo shite that's been happening with me, I gave a second thought to patching up our relationship. I want a father figure who will be there for me. Yesterday's phone conversation was actually quite surprising. I told him about all the crap I've been going through lately, that I'm considering seeing a shrink (my father is the BIGGEST advocate for shrinks) and he was really supportive. He never is supportive, emotional.. So I'm happy that this is a little more of a positive start for us. 

Plus it will take my mind off of everything.

And secretly I'm hoping to meet up with Sunny. It might mentally retard me a little further but hey what's a little more screwed-up ness..?

Can 2oo9 get any fucking better?

My mouse is currently carking itself.

I just want to crawl under a rock and die..

(Ok, so the die part is a little over-exaggerated~just wanted to stick to the saying. But a nice year long coma wouldn't be out of the question.)

Instead, I'm on my way to Field Day- a music festival held every New Years Day in the land down under. Hopefully someone might allow me some Penthrox (happy gas) and that may aid in forgetting my troubles. I just need someone to buy my drinks.

I think I could cry at the drop of a hat though..I'm so over feeling like this..and feeling like nothing ever goes right for me..I've had enough..
I promise I will get out of this horrible pitiful mood tomorrow.

Wait.. I don't do promises.


Happy New Year by the way. X