Ah. I feel better I have to say.
"No more stressing, no more tryin, no more cryin, I would rather be alone.."
Which ultimately is true. It's something I run so far away from, but at the end of the day, when I was alone, I was happy. I did my own thing. I looked after myself. I wasn't weighed down by insecurities.
I think I'll miss just the texting every morning and night. Even though half the time he never replied, it was like a security blankie that made me feel that at least someone there.
I didn't deserve the cold treatment though. I treated him like a king.. and got no special treatment myself. I know it's not all about "receiving". But how can you give so much of yourself to not expect anything in return? How can you devote so much time and effort and faith and not be rewarded with any time and effort and faith and love back? It's unfair. But that's the way it goes I guess.
I'm not a religious person, but the quote "God's rejections areGod's protections" strikes a nerve. It is unbelievably true. I look back and think of all the things I've been denied and feel relieved because it all would have brought me down so much further.
I'm looking at the loss of Fireman Sam as one of those rejections. :)
Anyways, back to normal D* style blogging! Fireman who?
I have 2 bits of juiciness.
1.
A few weeks ago when I had a friend stay over from Queensland, I arranged to meet her at the airport. I missed the train that I was hoping to hop on, but the fare to the airport was ridiculous.. like $28 to go like 4 stops. I was completely broke (after booking that little weekend away..grr) and I decided to stay in Circular Quay and wait for her. I occupied myself, watching the street performers, smelling the variety of foods being served in the restaurants (I remember this because I was hungry-lol) and wandering around aimlessly trying to pass the time away. Some random PR guy came up to me asking if I wanted to get a 2 hour hair pamper thing..I always hate them coming up to me because they always approach when I have no bloody money. I would have said yes if I had some cash. Instead, I shook my head, and wandered over to the other side of the Quay, near the Opera House. I could see in the clearing of tourists a guy standing in the middle, looking at me. Once I had made eye contact and got closer to him he stopped me and asked in his thick scottish accent if I wanted to get a 2 hour hair pamper thing. I laughed. "I've just had your friend ask me the same thing!" We laughed, and he tried to sell me the same thing..for some reason though, thinking that this was going no where, I lied and said I was going to England and couldn't afford it..Why?? I have no idea, lol. He asked me where I was going.. Long pause. Very long pause. "Uh.." "London??" "Yes, lol, yes London" He told me I would have a fabulous time, he has a mate Phil who he will organise to take care of me and show me the sights (lol) All the while I'm laughing about this in my head. Then, we just started talking about everything. He was explaining this book he was reading about a war or something, and the ways of approaching battle.. I can't remember why, but I was thinking that I thought he was so interesting..funny..clever..cute. There was definitely some flirting going on, and I added him to Facebook on my Blackberry before our conversation had ceased. We said our goodbyes, and the most prominent thing I remember was him watching me and smiling as I walked away. It was like one of those moments in a movie. So weird.
Anyways, We chatted a few times on Facebook, he asked me when I was leaving.. Lol spun some more lies and said April 26th (?) He said he would love to catch up before I left (lol) He gave me his number. I popped it in my phone. This was like.. 2 weeks ago. I felt guilty. I wanted to contact him but held out because of FS. It wasn't fair.
But in the midst of this week's paranoia and confusion, I thought "Fuck it."
I messaged him, and within 10 I got a text back. I had managed to fob off the trip thanks to my crafty lie skills (something I am not proud about but it does have it's advantages!) and we ended up meeting up that night for a drink..well a coke for me. He is soo damn interesting. He is writing a script, which he hopes he will make a film out of. He's a bartender, and his script is based on what effects alcohol has on relationships.. He knows the director of Trainspotting. He is a Taurus. He has just finished reading this book that has changed his life. He explained this book to me, it was like a self help one, that teaches you to let go of your negativity (and blah blah) but he believes this book has changed his behavioral tendencies forever. He seems so mature..so grown up. So open minded. He is quite funny. I told him about FS. I felt guilty. We didn't really say much. But it just made me realise that there are sooo many other men out there, that are funny and clever and interesting and interested in me. I was settling with FS. It was just one of those factors that helped me make the decision to end things with FS. Nothing much has happened since we parted the station with the Scotsman, a kiss on the cheek and a hug goodbye, said we'd do it again. We'll see. I'm not gonna put everything on this guy.
2.
My ex that I've never wrote about got in contact with me on Facebook out of complete randomness, totally spun me out. We talked occasionally on MSN, and the other day I found out he had broken up with his girlfriend who he went straight out with after we broke up. I was surprised. And due to the whole FS situtation, I felt free enough to talk about everything. We reminisced about everything.. it felt really good. This was a guy I didn't want to end things with, but everything was so complicated, he had a poor family life behind him, he was confused as well. We always said that it was too early for us to have met...that maybe in the future that this could work alot better. I'm not sure, but the way we were chatting was like we were back together it was strange. But not getting ahead of myself..he's just come out of that relationship..intentions may be a little skewed. But I've always missed him..always had him in my heart. And maybe we might meet up for lunch tomorrow. Should be interesting.
