I must say....

Finally our weekend has arrived...

This week has been kinda weird, with Christmas and all we've been kinda out of touch.. which at first killed me! I wasn't sure what was going on but just came to the conclusion that I was being utterly lame and got over it.

And so he texted me this morning to ask me when I wanted him to come over and I got soo yayyy so excited. Cant wait.

Cuddles...... <3

De la clarté.

Finally.

ToyBoy and I had a little chat last week after we found out we couldn't see each other due to his work.. it made me have a really HUUUGE think about everything and it gave me time to come to terms with the fact that this relationship may not work. And although that sucks, it's reality, and shit happens.

So when we finally got to chatting, I got a little choked up and a little speechless..he cottoned on straight away and was like "what's wrong baby what's with the hrmms and yeahs..?"

So I just blurted it all out..

I told him the age worries me, I told him that I don't know where this is heading, and if it's heading no where I don't want to waste anyone's time, told him that I don't want to shove all of my wants and needs onto him because I'm older...He assured me he wants to take it slow..but it is going in the boyfriend/girlfriend direction.. (!) and he was also like..."sweetie you're 24..I know you had an ideal of where you wanted to be at this age but you're still so young..don't sweat this stuff, it will just happen"

So now I'm feeling mucho mejor!

And I think it's brought us a little closer. We both know what we want and the clarity has made me put the guards down and trust him a little.

And so this weekend now we are going to spend together...I'm planning a little picnic and cricket on Sunday which he will be very happy about and I think I'm going to buy him some cologne for Christmas..

So much to look forward to.

xx

Le sigh..

At 12:25pm today I sighed with great relief. I finally got a text back from the boy, whom we'll call.. Toy Boy.

Toy Boy is my new..toy. That I happen to really really adore We met at the races a month ago and have spoken everyday since. Well except maybe one day, when I refused to text him..I wanted to be chased. And, he texted me at 7am the next day.

And everything has been fabulous, almost too good to be true at times. He calls, he texts. He takes me out. He introduced me to his friends. He tells me about his family and says casually, "you'll see, you'll meet them."

It's like effortless.

When I went away for a mini-break, I thought I'd determine whether we're "exclusive" or what? The worst thing was, I had to ask the question over texting (yes I know..but we were at work and I HAD to know)

He was slightly confused by it all, as the poor darling would. But pretty much said that I could do what I like..which really turned me off. I did not want to hear that. I guess I wanted to hear something along the lines of "You know what sweety? Yes we are. I like you and I want to see how these goes."

So yes I was kinda disappointed. And hurt. And went on a "I don't care" rage for a few days. But it all dawned on me and he has the right to feel that way. He did say he wasn't searching for anyone else. That's a biggie right? That's something! Maybe. I hope.

Anyways so the whole time I was away we texted, we called. There was always some form of contact. And I loved it, I won't lie. I even met heaps of guys and they were cute..but not as cute as him...

So Saturday night was our second date, for some reason it feels like we've been going out forever though. We went out for dinner. The horrible thing is I kept getting this horrible gut feeling that this is not going to work..it was horrible. Sitting there at dinner looking at him and thinking how amazing he is but thinking how I don't think I can handle the age gap and how I don't fit into his life somehow. He was talking about the next 12 months, what he wants to do, and I just felt like I don't fit it. I know it's only been a month but..it feels weird..I know I'm just being silly. I decided to get over it and enjoy the night. So we decided to go to putt-putt, where we were just silly with each other. Randomly making out on the courses. It put my mind at ease.. I floated away on cloud 9...

And he stayed over.. in a moment of vulnerability, I told him how I felt.. that I like him a lot. I felt when he told me he didn't care if I met anyone else that I felt he didn't care. He told me he did care. I told him I don't want to waste time, that I don't want to get hurt. There was instant silence.. but he held me closer and I felt reassured for a moment in time.

Then we woke up together..and even with the morning breath I didn't care. We just laid there dozing randomly and spooning..looking at each other..smiling..laughing.. I made him waffles for breakfast.. It was very cute. He kept thanking me and giving me these huge smiles! It melted my heart. We watched some cricket together and went to the Seafood Markets..it was so coupley. It was awesome. We want to go back with beer and wine and make an afternoon of it with friends. I was so sad when the time was inching closer to him leaving. I instantly missed him.

I hated the feeling.

I never missed the feeling!

So as the night went on we had texted to tell each other we had a great weekend. And stupidly I was expecting a goodnight text because I always get a goodnight text. But there was no text. I put it down to the fact that we had just spent like 24 hours together, that he was with his friends, and he was knackered. The feeling passed.

I woke up this morning secretly hoping I had a text..but I didn't. Which is cool. I texted him very briefly a few hours later. And by a few hours later after I still had not recieved a reply.. Instant wave of disappointment washed over me.. I started replaying over everything in my mind.. had I done something wrong? Said something? Did I come off too strong? It was driving me crazy. I felt sad.. I reached for chocolate! I slumped. I hadn't felt this way in months..I kept asking myself if I was really ready to do this all over again, to get hurt.

And when I finally got that reply I felt so much better. There was even a cute name thrown in there and I got my sanity back.

He's going away this weekend with the boys which makes me slightly apprehensive. I just want him to behave himself and be careful..that's another thing that the age gap makes me.. I feel like I have to look after him or something.. it's crap. I don't want to treat him like that.. I feel horrible when I question things he says and does.. I wish I could stop it.

I'll be so glad when he comes back.

I see him in 2 weeks....Time fly please?

And then New Years will be weird. we're both doing our own things. I possibly will be in another state.. I think maybe just going with it will be the best thing.. I just don't wanna get too attached..

I just want it to be easy..

Pourquoi Bonjour

Well honestly I got nothing to blog about. I mean I do but it's so minute. No boys at all. It's all very boring really...sorry to dash everyones hopes.

I'm getting slightly more social so hopefully this will bring more social meetings...of the boy kind..

Forgot to tell you:

American boy just kinda evaporated. He would keep telling me he's busy blah blah. Couldn't come to my birthday. And one night I had some drinks after work and I called him.. (someone take my phone from me when consuming alcoholic beverages) and so anyways we got to talking about meeting up and I got the "Yeah I'm so busy" and I was just so over it..I was like.. "Yeah, I get it. It's cool. Don't think I don't see all your Facebook pictures when you go out every weekend, cos you know, you so busy?" Lol couldn't help myself. It was the truth though! I'm not gonna be his fool..that's just silly.

So I haven't heard much from him since. Just random chats on Facebook.

I don't think I'm at a loss really.

That Twitter guy actually was married and had a child on the way..WTF? As if that's something you don't disclosed to a random female if you had good intentions?

Yeah so no more following Mr Married/Soon to be Father in denial man. Hahaha.

What else did I have to update.. hrm..

Oh so Footy Boy - I completely shooed away. He was up to his same old shit. I told him exactly that. Pretty simple.

I don't think Reese's ever got my number. And he won't due to the falling out with the girlfriend of Clarry (she is a psycho bitch anyways)

It's a good thing. Shire people are trash.

That is all.

Shut down

So I met up with my last ex-boyfriend this morning for brunch..I can't remember what I named him or tagged him under last time but I'll just call him..Capricorn for the moment.

Anyways so Capricorn and I were having a lovely time. It just felt so comfortable and normal and we were reminiscing and I was slightly confused. What was this? Yeah we're friends. And it's nice to reminisce about the nice happy times. But totally getting weird vibes. Then he brought up that he's seeing this chick *sigh* but she's older..and has a kid..and starting talking about how he doesn't think it's working with her blah blah..

So I just blurted out.. "what about giving us another go hey?"

"Uh..no..well..not in the near future"

Lol.. Cut!

Like I get it. Thanks for the bluntness.

I explained to him that I just miss being comfortable with a member of the opposite sex..and he was like yes there there, you'll meet someone someday speech.. just not him right?

I also explained that I think our friendship is pointless..

Lol..

I just can't do relationships with exes. I wish I could!

So it all ended a bit weird. He dropped me home and parked (why?) and he was like "I got a few mins to spare let's just sit."

3o seconds later

I've split. Quick goodbye. He attempted to hug and give me a kiss on the cheek but was not real keen.

I'm not planning to see him for awhile..

Bahaha.

Hopefully his someday speech will come true.

"Life's hard, get a helmet.."

Ahh so I'm doing a whole The Hills marathon..Seasons 1-4. I know I'm not a gorgeous little Hollywood It girl, but the shit is so relatable.

So there was a montage going on at the end of one of the episodes with a song that touched me. 

The words got me thinking. . . 

"..Incompatible, it don't matter though

'cos someone's bound to hear my cry

Speak out if you do

You're not easy to find

Is it possible Mr. Loveable

Is already in my life?

Right in front of me

Or maybe you're in disguise

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Here we are again, circles never end

How do I find the perfect fit

There's enough for everyone

But I'm still waiting in line

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone

If there's a soulmate for everyone

Most relationships seem so transitory

They're all good but not the permanent one

Who doesn't long for someone to hold

Who knows how to love you without being told

Somebody tell me why I'm on my own

If there's a soulmate for everyone.."

This song is so damn true.

Where the fuck is my soulmate?

Maybe I already know my soulmate?

Maybe I have no fancy for him at all. It figures.

When I'm looking, I don't find him.

I get told.."Don't look for him, he will come to you"

I stop looking.

I've stopped for months.

He's not here. 

Where is he?

People are so quick to offer there opinions and advice. Of course it's okay for them to talk. They're married..engaged..have a boyfriend. They're not going to be single and alone anytime soon. It's so fucking annoying.

I'm not meaning to come off like all I care about is having a boyfriend. I don't mean to be. But it's something that makes me happy. 

And it's been 3 long years.

And it also makes me feel like there's something wrong with me. I know there isn't anything wrong with me. I feel I've grown so much in these past 3 years of being single and dating. I've done some really fucking stupid things, made so many mistakes..and learnt from them. I've discovered it's not all about me anymore. It's about really putting time and effort in and not taking anything for granted. And all I want to do is take all that knowledge and apply it to somebody special and give them the best of me. There is definitely nothing wrong with that is there?

And what is it with people who think getting married young and wanting to settle is so bad?

I was raised by my grandparents who showed me that love can last forever. To compromise, to give your all. They married at 21-22. It ended when my grandfather passed away. My grandmother had said a few things to me about the hardships of the relationship. But she had always always emphasized how important love is. And sacrifice. And all the amazing things that come with it. She told me she had lost her best friend. I want to feel that way about my partner. As if he's my best friend. Someone there through thick and thin. 

But anyways, I'm just really a traditionalist at heart. I love the whole ideal. I want a man to take care of me. Fuck feminism. Hah.

What's wrong with that?

nothing..that's what i thought..

"I really want to..

...Come kick it with you, You'll be my American Boy, American Boy....."

Sooo.. I met up with the American Boy. I thought it would be an awesome idea to take him to Luna Park, a small amusement park in Sydney, just for something fun! And it went sooooo soo well. Like a trill times better than expected. 

There was no awkwardness, it's like we hit it off straight away. I felt so comfortable. 

Conversation constantly flowed, there was jokes and laughter...

It was..almost perfect.

And towards the end of the day, we started getting all flirty and touchy..not like crazy touchy, but like touching arms and shoulders and stuff. I thought it was cute.

Then we caught the train back to Central and I had to rush off because my train back home was due out. A quick hug and kiss (to the ear! oops sorry AB! Was just in such a rush and I really didn't want to leave and then I kissed his ear!) and it was on the train that I realised I really like him! We had so much in common and he actually was like intellectual! We had d&m's ! It was just so nice to be able to talk to a guy who didn't talk shit. And no small talk. 

*Ahhhh*

I likey.

So he's going to some surf camp down the coast for a week, and I didn't want to go crazy and text him a 1oo times and shit.  But I didn't want to leave it..and I didn't want to wait either. I texted saying I hope he has a fab time away and hope he's well and stuff, and all I got back was "all good." I was like What! I wasn't expecting that. Disappointed! So I just texted back "Ok cool. Have fun" 

And then I get back 

"Ahhk I will see you next week k?"

*INSTANT WOO-HOO!*

So at least I know he wants to see me again. Lol.

Can't wait. I miss him slightly... How ghey. Lol!

Amazing what you can find on MySpace hey............ 

So maybe something's come up?

How do you all feel about internet dating? 

I'm not 1oo% sure of it myself, but tomorrow I may possibly meeting up with a random Twitter follower in the city tomorrow for lunch. 

I've done the whole meeting people off the internet before (ScoMan!) and it was fine. But Sco didn't and I never had the whole "dating" intention, so it was more a focus on friendship. No agendas.

So anyways this guy is 30-something..very charming (of course he is because I don't physically know him, lol) and yeah I'm not sure. Part of me just wants to see what it's all about. He could be my new potential up and coming boyfriend? Who knows? I just thought I'd give it a go. Nothing to lose, and anything to gain.

As well, a month or so ago a very very random American guy private messaged me on MySpace (I haven't used MySpace in decades lol) and asked me about Australia, about a particular Uni, and my thoughts on activities he should do as he was coming to Australia. We started talking to each other pretty much everyday. It was strange. I was starting to feel slightly infatuated with someone I didn't even know. And then the daily chatting stopped, became more occasional. I originally thought he was coming Down Under in November..but as a matter of fact he touched down last night. I'm not even sure if we'll meet up. I asked him to bring some Butterfingers over for me. 

And there's another quite juicy bit.

Fireman Sam had a friend. we'll call him.. Reeses. He was always so lovely to me. He did all the gentlemanly things that FS never did. Gave up chairs, pulled out chairs, would make me dinner. I never looked him in a different light, because it was just him. And I was with FS. Anyways, Reeses and I have always maintained contact with general chatter about everyday living. Saturday night was his birthday party. I was invited to go, but FS was there with his new girlfriend, not sure if I told ya'll about her but she's 18 and they both do drugs together. That's hott. I thought anyways it wouldn't really be my place to go, and I spent a girlie night with one of FS other best friends girlfriend. When FS mate came home, he was telling me how Reeses spoke so highly of my that night, that he couldn't believe that FS had treated me the way he did. That I was such a nice girl, and yada yada yada. FS best mate..we'll call him.. Clarry, told me to consider him, that he'd treat me so well. I wasn't so sure at first. I don't want to be hated by FS even if he was the one in the wrong. I don't want to come in on his friend territory. I don't want to look like.. well a ganger.. I'm not like that at all. It's kinda awkward just thinking about it. Clarry explained that I wouldn't be friend hopping, after all, FS treated me like shit, it's not like I did him wrong and it wouldn't be bitchy. He told me Reeses would be moving out soon, so I wouldn't have to deal with it so face to face with FS. I started opening my mind to it. As I said before, I never looked at Reeses in that "cute nice guy" light before. But I'm warming to it.

I told Clarry to pass my number on. 

I guess we will just have to see.....  

I've got nothin'

Seriously.

Nada.

Nothing has been happening at all.

There's no males in my life at all. 

I got nothing juicy to blog about!

It's kinda nice not having any dramas of the male kind. Boring, but nice.

Hopefully something happens somewhat soon..

Windy, windy day.

Sorry have been m.i.a - 

things have been steady.

Nothing to report! I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not!

No lows at all in the past 2 weeks..Shrink is going to be pleased.

No boys-well let me correct that-there was Footy Boy-but I think it was over before it even really started, something which I picked up on the day after our dinner. We were supposed to have met up again last night, but he never made concrete plans and details. We agreed on Friday night, but he kept asking me about Saturday night, Sunday night, every night that wasn't 

good for me, then we kinda agreed again on Friday night, only to even get a text or a call. I put myself to bed at 8pm because of sheer exhaustion, and didn't even think twice about him. I wasn't even bummed. How good is that?

I reckon he'll contact me today. That's just the kind of (loser) guy he is.

Anyways.. ooh that's right..

I've bought a Pomeranian Puppy..she is soooo pretty. I get her at the end of June. I think she'll dissolve a lot of my loneliness. Which I think is fab. I can't wait.

Everything's coming up Danielle! I'm solidly happy. That's a fabulous thing.

Why do guys keep giving me reasons to hate them?

Like really. If you say you'll call, call. If you say you'll text, so text. Is it really this hard?

There's a Kanye song that springs to mind..

"Hey hey hey hey.. don't say you will..unless you will..then play you will..I pray you will.."

Urk. Men.

I think I just need a fresh start. A new guy; not an old one. 

Footy boy and I went on a "date" last night.. the chemistry was amazing. It was all very cute. He even texted me 5 minutes after leaving my place to tell me what a fab night he had.. and he had said he would message me..maybe come see me today.. but yeah he didn't, no surprises there! I'm glad I wasn't fooling myself this time around. I am a bit disappointed.. as if you couldn't tell.

He's messaging me now though, only because I initiated. I was feeling restless. I'd rather just do it to get what I want. 

But I never get what I want..

Anyways. I had to vent. Now back to positive-ness. 5 positive things: I am happy that I'm not holding my breath on this one like usual. I'm happy I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket, like usual. I am happy that I didn't throw myself at him, like usual. I am happy that I held back, unlike the usual. I am happy that the guards have stayed up. 

They must stay up for this one. He's not wriggling he's way back in again without a fight!

Note to Prince Charming: I am still waiting.

hehe.

Feeling positive.

Positive 

Positive

Positive

   !

Saw the shrink today. Feeling much better. The past 2 weeks I have been so out of touch with everything..I think the whole FS bizo put me so outta wack.. I have finally sorted it out in my mind. I do miss him. And I really resented the fact that I did.. And I think it held me back from really processing it all.. So it hit me this week..! And since I had nothing planned last night I had a lot of time to really have a big think. It's ok to miss him. It's normal. And it's also normal to get over it. So I will, and Ima do it classy! Gonna get my hair my nails my eyebrows done next week.. Dr Crazy will be back from Boston next week..so my PIC (partner in crime) will be back and ready for action!!

Can't wait..

I am..

..feelin' blue. My heart's heavy. 

Let's hope tomorrow's a better day.

oK, getting to the nitty gritty.

This week comprised of:

- a resolution with Fireman Sam.

- drunken texts to Footy Boy..that may have gone too far.. hehe.

- a resolution with Lainie. (?)

- a deep resentment for singledom//couples.

- a realisation that I have no "real" friends.. or I have some, that just hang out with other people.

- another realisation that my seperated parents are really meant to be together.

-

 Happy Hour at Roof Bar - $3 drinks between 5 and 7pm.

So I might start point by point..

FS: Yes! Omg! Closure. But I miss him. Urk.

On my drunken Thursday night, I spotted him on Facebook and in my drunken state of mind thought I must must must speak to him it is vital! 

"talk to me Sammmmmmmm.. pleaseeeeee"

"what is it"

"i'm sorry, i'm really sorry. i'm sorry for everything"

"ok ur forgiven"

"do y

ou hate me i don't want you to hate me"

"why would i hate you"

"because of everything thats happened.. i shouldnt really be saying sorry to you after everything,  but i am, im sorry for everything" (little did he know, I meant I was sorry for ever meeting him..)

"its ok"

"have you got my cardi"

lol

"yes ill send it i forgot your address.. what is it"

Yes!!!

After exchanging my address, I simply said:

"i'm glad we had this chat"

"me too"

"bye"

lol

Ok so I felt sooo much better after that. I don't want anyone hating on me. And I'm getting my cardigan back.. at this stage anyways.. woo hoo! But in finding this closure, I realised I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss that good for nothin fool! Argh. Maybe I just miss his presence..like someone was there..even though he was good for nothin!

I'm sure it will pass.

Footy Boy - and the drunken texts.

They were MY drunken texts (I just can't help myself can I? haha)

I was sitting by myself as Dr Crazy had left me to go get some more cheap $3 goon-or Sparkling Wine as it's properly known as-and was filling silly. The morning texts had stopped! What the! So I decided to message him, after denying myself the pleasure all day. Started off something like: "How you doing how's your day?"

I find out he's in China! For business. We get onto the subject of wine, then promises to call him.

I go to call. No answer.

Grr.

I get a text straight back. "The hostess on the plane is looking at me funny! I'll call you when I land"

This not being good enough, and not wanting the communication to end there, I kept it up. And for some reason I blurted out that I've missed him.. I've never met anyone like him (which is very true..but I can't remember him anymore, lol!) Yada yada.. to which I get back:

"ive missed you too, really cant wait to catch up, alots changed since i have seen you last, will be good to see you"

Lol.. Ok so I took it to far. And he's been messaging me since. Like I had to profess my undying love for him to get more messages, lol!

He's back 4th of May. Not sure how to feel about it. Am I just being desperate? But I feel like, if I was being desperate I'd be hanging on to the phone, waiting for a message, calling, getting all bahjiggity! But I'm not. I almost feel like I've taken shape of a guy. Those ones who tell you they miss you, but really don't, keep you stringin' along till something better pops up. Hrmm..

I do miss the early times we had together..we had soo much fun. Like when you meet someone you click with soo well, and you do proper dates and holding hands is like such a cute thing, sneaking subtle kisses here and there, it was all so new and I was head over heels, he was truly someone different to the normal losers I meet. But then it started to slip away.. And it never was the same.  I've written about the end before.. check it out in my label Footy Boy :)

Oh well, it's some sort of excitement in the man sector..

Lainie, Lainie, Lainie. 

What are we going to do with her? Her Facebook now officially states she is in a relationship-oh goody-and she's making all these lovely plans. Especially going to that music festival with me. I so did not want to give my tickets up for We Love Sounds, but she initially said she couldn't go and then turned around and said she could, and she wants to go with me. I have put alot of that crap behind me, I want to go so badly because it looks like so much fun. But I don't know what to expect. I almost feel sightly like she's using me.

Hrm.

I'm sure we'll find out when she gets my money for the ticket..next week.

Everywhere I turn there is always a couple..or a couple of couples, almost rubbing their happiness in my face. Of course they're not rubbing it in at all. But it feels like it..like a stab in the back.

When will I be in the couples club making everyone else vomit with my PDA'S??

It's not an aim..but it's been sooo long.

So I'm home alone on a Saturday night, hanging out with my parents..I'm having fun spending the time together, as my mum and dad haven't hung out together since I don't even know when, but part of my keeps longing to go out.. longing to be with friends. But then it strikes me.. they're with their boyfriends..husbands.. they're doing other better important things..that don't include me. And it's slightly upsetting. I'm loving this time at home to do stuff for myself, reflect and all that..but I don't know how much longer I can stay at home. I long to be out being silly, meeting and making new friends, to forget the old ones. Drinking nice whites, and even Vodka and Red Bulls..dancing like no one's watching..and just laughing. I never knew making new friends would be this hard. I guess it doesn't help living so far away from everyone. I'll just blame that for the moment.

And today is crazy, as I said before, my parents are hanging out for the first time in yonks. My dad has been here since 9:30am.. it's now.. 6:51pm. We went to lunch and shopping and watched movies and had a nice homemade satay and it's so weird. This is how it was m

eant to be. I can see by the way they talk to each other, look at each other, they miss each other. There's some kind of light and spark. It's kinda cute.

I think it would be stranger than fiction if something was to happen and go further.. kinda scary actually.

That satay was so yum. I think I could easily fall asleep.. My dad is constantly calling out to me. How annoying. He ain't livin' here. lol.

ANZAC day..

They shall not grow old, as we that are left grow old:Age shall not weary them, nor the years condemn.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We will remember them.

I miss my grandfather terribly.

 

AW blog love!

I've been getting so many lovely comments from so many different bloggers which really makes me feel awesome! I love it! 

And Mandy from Walking in Stilettos gave me such a sweet award!

Aw's!  Thank you pretty! 

So it inspired me to show some love back! I haven't given out an award for ages..so yay!

BLOG LOVE <3 

This is for my favourite's - :)

* Mandy - Walking in Stilettos ~ I love this blog. 

*Live for Today ~ Such a raw fabulous blog. 

*Pink Avocado! ~ Such a cool chick with the cutest puppies!

*ScoMan - A name in your recollection ~ he ALWAYS leave me lovely comments

*Little Miss Tiara - such a cute blog

You all deserve it :) 

And ScoMan tagged me for an interior design piece thingie - thanks! - I have to do my research!

Ok so I did my research-and it was so hard. I love beautiful things..and my love for everything French doesn't help..that's why  I've chosen my ideal interiors as Marie Antoinette's Hamlet.. Well I've just gone the whole hog and chosen the whole house. I love love love Marie Antoinette and everything about her, and Sofia Coppola's Marie Antoinette is amazing! I would've loved to lived like her. She had such beautiful things..! So if you've seen the movie, that's exately what I would call my ideal.. ahhh...

       

Anyways I will back to blog later..going out for lunch with the fams.. <3

Procrastinating at work..

Urkkk I so don't want to be here. I have this really funny feeling in my tummy..like a gut-wretching feeling...or could be the 4 cinnamon donuts and large hot chocolate talking to me.. hehe. I don't know, I just feel funny.

Like I need to cry. Why?

I'm hating on work at the moment.. Feeling so stressed and pressured. I feel unappreciated and under-valued. Maybe I'm just having a moment. Tomorrow will be fun, nobody's in besides me and the temp. Fun fun fun. A short break from the daily grind. As that song said.. "Don't, stop, thinkin about tomorrow! Don't, stop, it will be here!"
Lol! Such a ghey song with so much truth.

Footy Boy has continually morning texted me. But I'm noticing a trend. As everyday passes, it gets later and later on in the morning when I recieve one. Much like how it were back in the day. What is it with these guys as reverting back to their old ways?
What does he want? I really can't be bothered thinking about why what how who when where's. But I want to know one thing; what is his agenda? Why come back now? Why morning text now? What has happened to make him want to talk to me? Is he just lonely? Does he want a shag? What is it?

I just realised I am thinking..about the whats and whys..? Why!?
I haven't recieved a text yet.. Why!?

Lol.

Stupid males.

In an amazing turn of events.. Doolie is calling off her engagement, and Dr Crazy has broken up with her boyfriend of 7 years. Yay single friends again..! With a hate for men.. lol!

Bah I'm feeling that weird feeling again.

Surprise Surprise

Footy Boy texted me Sunday.

And this morning..at 7:14am.

To wish me a nice day.

What the?

Am I a nice person?

My mother seems to think not. She seems to think I'm the one to be blamed for everything going wrong in my life...

Which I think is incredibly unfair..

She's taken the side of Lainie, saying I deserved all I got.. I can see where she's coming from..I truly do. But after everything that Lainie has said to me and how catty she has been towards me

 previously, before the whole going out shamozzle last week, it still makes no difference to my mother..my mother is one of those tactless people (whom I can't stand and whom I never wish I would be like/turn into) and only sees one view. Normally it's always against me. 

My mother has been like this towards me my whole life.. She has never once stuck up for me and sided for me. Once..I was playing

 with my cousin in his pool when we were about 12 and 8.. He started to try and push my under the water..almost like trying to drown me. I was screaming for my mother, who was sitting about 20 metres away..I was waving my hands frantically above my head, splashing about, but she did nothing about it. I managed to free myself and pulled myself out of that pool, crying. I

 ran towards her, and she had nothing to say. She did nothing.

I asked her recently what that was about.. Her answer was that pretty much she didn't want to start anything between her and her sister (My aunt and the mother of my cousin obviously) and I was kinda enraged by that. How could you feel that way, when you're watching your only daughter being held under water? How could you not want to do anything about it? It still haunts me. And that argument just then reminded me of her faith to others and not to me.  

She also blamed the break-down of another friendship on me, saying

 that this other friend had no choice after the things I had said to her..yet this other friend initiated the "discussion" and had pointed out millions of my faults and things I had done. This other friend had said things to me, too..so how was that all of my fault? This other friend had hoarded an issue about me after I had said something stupid for like nearly 2 years. How is it my fault that she could not come to me to talk about it first? To then, holding everything against me for the next year or so, building up on everything I said to her. I had no issue with her at all. I wasn't

 upset. She and her sister had said and done things to me towards the end where I was feeling slight resentment.. But I figured that it was just those girls as people..Just like my mother..It's just her with her tactlessness and narrow-mindness..

And really, looking back and thinking about things I had said to this friend.. I was only trying to be protective.. We would go out at night, and they would wear the most sluttiest outfits. Their buttcheeks would be literally hanging out. I would say things like.. "Is that something you're comfortable in? lol or "Aren't you cold?" to try and hint..But I just got called a name caller for that. It wasn't jealously at all. They are the most prettiest girls, but the

y were giving off the wrong persona about themselves through their dress.. And would whinge about the type of men they would meet, and how girls would give them dirty looks. What did they expect when they would dress like that and get so drunk they'd be falling all over each other? And I wasn't impressed by the way it would make me look. I wasn't like that at all, and I still am not. But you could never tell them. And I think I may have said something about the kinda guys you would meet at the clubs to the sister.. I told her that they probably aren't the most ideal places to meet men who want to settle down.. but I think she took it the wrong way, a

 way which I didn't even mean..but they're just so naive about those things. 

It's hard, and it hurts. Maybe I am a terrible friend. I always thought that I was protective, supportive, caring, loyal. But I felt I never recieved that back from any friend. So what is wrong with clearing out the weeds? What is wrong with getting rid of the people who have weighed me down in the past, who have not made me feel secure and happy..? I spoke to the shrink about this yesterday and she kinda has the opposite mentality.. She says it's all about

 compromise in friendships just as it is in relationships. But why is it that I've always felt compromised in these friendships??

Ok, that vent has made me feel better. I instantly bawled my eyes out after my mother had said all of that to me. I've been feeling funny this week. I've had a shit week. After the Lainie and FS thing, I thought I was ok, but shrink thinks I haven't processed it all yet, which had pretty much carried on through the week at work. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong on Thursday and Friday, I felt like shit. I had the guilts about FS on Friday night. I

 didn't realise at the time but I was missing him. And I felt so bad about yelling at him. Even though he deserved it (I think, after this morning's rant at by mum, not sure) I apologised on Facebook chat..he went offline. Ok. Then I had a massive urge to call him yesterday, to which I did. It rang out. Nothing returned back.. Which did not surprise me. But it did make me feel better, that at least I had tried. I had good intentions. And it's ok if he doesn't feel the same. It's fine. 

But ultimately I do miss him, wish I could squeeze him tight. These thoughts need to be eliminated ASAP.

I had a crappy and what they call "dump" session at Shrink. I just poured all over the happenings of last week, had massive verbal diarrhea and did not shut up. Only to get no where. Oh my goodness. "The Scientist" by Coldplay is playing on Channel V.. Instant tears. What's wrong with me..?? I am feeling so down right now. This sucks. This song reminds me of Sunny. The last days. I

 just would love to go back to security, which is what I had with Sunny..and never realised until we had broken up.

Anyways, back to shrink details. I just non-stop crapped on about nothing. She feels I'm not processing all these goings-on due to "no reflective time" which doesn't surprise me. I have been so busy trying to keep myself busy this week, thinking it would help me get my mind off things, yet it has only held back the processing process apparently. My homework for next session is to write one High and one Low of each day. Yay. Only one. Lol. 

I'm going for a driving lesson with my Aunty this afternoon which I think will be fabulous for me. I can vent to her, she's cool. She looked after me alot when I was growing up. I'm kinda like the stand-in daughter. She bought me fudge after the FS incident on Monday. Instant cheer up.

Remember Footy Boy? He started chatting to me on Facebook. I was kinda surprised..he remembered pretty much of everything about me

 last year, all the little things. He wants to catch up, like the first day we meet. At a football game. I don't know what to make of that. I'm curious. But he was very much like FS.. not sure about what he wanted. So I will keep my distance I think..let him do the work if he is genuinely interested. I'm not going through this again. I refuse to!

I want to crawl back into bed for the day.. 

1oo

Stupid glittertextgraphics.com tag, lol!

ANYWAYS!!

OMG! This is my 1ooth Blog! And to think I was going to delete it.. I thought my life was going "steadily.."

Pfft! It's only getting better..!

It sounds ghey..but I would love to thank all the lovely individuals who read me and post amazing comments which inspire, encourage and make me smile. At the moment I'm lacking in quality friends..so it feels fab to have people care slightly pretty much!

So thank you.. xxx

Please feel free to add me to Twitter! I would love love love some more Twitter friends!

I have no juice whatsoever! I was playing silly buggers with Dentist Boy (Yes, remember him..!) I know exactly how to charm him and get a reaction..! Haha. Maybe meeting up for lunch..Hrm..!

And Scotsman?? Pfft! He has disappeared! He had bad teeth anyways.. Lol!

Nothing from Fireman Sam.. And no sighting of my cardi.. 4 more days I'm giving it. Then-I'm going down there and getting it..!! 

Shrink this weekend.. Haven't done my timeline of impact..Lol. When I can be bothered.. Should be interesting..

 

I will survive!

Heartbroken?

What was I thinking? I think I should be proud of myself - I told him to fuck off! To delete my number! I asked why would I want things to go back to normal, when all he did was treat me like shit! I defended myself! I didn't let him walk all over me and change my mind. I did good.

It hurt. Badly. But I should've expected this. I was silly to think that he might have changed. He was just after a booty call! Well guess what readers.. he had issues keeping it up! Haha! So I was a smart girl for leaving it at the way it was.

I just hope I get that damn cardi back. 

Heartbroken once again

Yeah.

FS again..

He didn't come see me. Well he's too tired to anyways.

And he was serious.. but not serious about a serious relationship.

My last words:

On Facebook!!!

Fuck off. Delete my number. My address is _______________ I expect my cardigan back this week.

Sam is now offline.

I'm fine. I had my cry. I hate him. I will spear him the next time I see him. Lol.