Lesson #493 - No dating men under 24.

Ok so.. I have been MIA lately-(sorry..I have a FABULOUS reason but it's a lil hush hush atm..)-and thought it best to fill my lovely readers in on what the g-o is.

Well simply, not seeing that young boy anymore. He disappeared after I left the state to celebrate NYE-no texts-no calls-just evaporated. That weekend we spent together actually wasn't that good. He started whinging about my walking pace. That's when the extra red flags were flying. Why would you whinge about that..?

Anyways, getting off the subject, we did end up having a discussion about it all, starting with the smoking issue that went straight into the whole "distance" dilemma and "girlfriend/boyfriend label" perplexity. The discussion never really came to an ending. And I noticed straight away the differences. Ok so I know these are stupid, and I know that it's just texting..but I knew something was up when he dropped the xoxo's off and was only writing a few words here and there. It only made me want to get out of the state more as not to have to deal with it. Which is when he disappeared. Some part of me feels like I was kind of "asking" for it.. I made a comment to my friend that went something like.."I wish he would just disappear, it makes it easier to get over it..because you hate them.."

There is truth in that logic and we all know that.

So anyways, a few days after NYE I was out at a pub having some drinks and meeting lovely cute boys, when I felt a drunken urge to know what was happening with ToyBoy.

The text-

"Would like to know what's going on."

The reply-

"Yeah sorry Ive been a bit loose lately"

Oh ok, that's fine. That makes your MIA-ness totally excusable. I'm glad you were having a great time drunk and on drugs and not even thinking about fabulous me.

My reply-

Ok no worries. Look. I think it's best if we stop seeing each other. I'm quite disappointed that you haven't even bothered to text me. I understand you're at parties and festivals, and that's cool. I want you to do your own thing."

I thought that was good. I still said my piece but made it classy. Of course I got no reply to that.

But I did get some answers on Facebook chat when I foolishly decided to say hi. Pretty much the conversation went exactly where I wanted it to, and he said that ending it was worth it because "If you are going to get upset at little things like that (that being disappearing for days) then it's not worth it."

Well fine. Please do fuck off you child.

So that made it a lot easier to get out of my head. How considerate of him.

Anyways, so a whole bunch of stuff has been happening.

Which is top secret.

I promise you'll be the first ones to know. Just know that I'm content. For the moment.

Kisses.

I must say....

Finally our weekend has arrived...

This week has been kinda weird, with Christmas and all we've been kinda out of touch.. which at first killed me! I wasn't sure what was going on but just came to the conclusion that I was being utterly lame and got over it.

And so he texted me this morning to ask me when I wanted him to come over and I got soo yayyy so excited. Cant wait.

Cuddles...... <3

De la clarté.

Finally.

ToyBoy and I had a little chat last week after we found out we couldn't see each other due to his work.. it made me have a really HUUUGE think about everything and it gave me time to come to terms with the fact that this relationship may not work. And although that sucks, it's reality, and shit happens.

So when we finally got to chatting, I got a little choked up and a little speechless..he cottoned on straight away and was like "what's wrong baby what's with the hrmms and yeahs..?"

So I just blurted it all out..

I told him the age worries me, I told him that I don't know where this is heading, and if it's heading no where I don't want to waste anyone's time, told him that I don't want to shove all of my wants and needs onto him because I'm older...He assured me he wants to take it slow..but it is going in the boyfriend/girlfriend direction.. (!) and he was also like..."sweetie you're 24..I know you had an ideal of where you wanted to be at this age but you're still so young..don't sweat this stuff, it will just happen"

So now I'm feeling mucho mejor!

And I think it's brought us a little closer. We both know what we want and the clarity has made me put the guards down and trust him a little.

And so this weekend now we are going to spend together...I'm planning a little picnic and cricket on Sunday which he will be very happy about and I think I'm going to buy him some cologne for Christmas..

So much to look forward to.

xx

Le sigh..

At 12:25pm today I sighed with great relief. I finally got a text back from the boy, whom we'll call.. Toy Boy.

Toy Boy is my new..toy. That I happen to really really adore We met at the races a month ago and have spoken everyday since. Well except maybe one day, when I refused to text him..I wanted to be chased. And, he texted me at 7am the next day.

And everything has been fabulous, almost too good to be true at times. He calls, he texts. He takes me out. He introduced me to his friends. He tells me about his family and says casually, "you'll see, you'll meet them."

It's like effortless.

When I went away for a mini-break, I thought I'd determine whether we're "exclusive" or what? The worst thing was, I had to ask the question over texting (yes I know..but we were at work and I HAD to know)

He was slightly confused by it all, as the poor darling would. But pretty much said that I could do what I like..which really turned me off. I did not want to hear that. I guess I wanted to hear something along the lines of "You know what sweety? Yes we are. I like you and I want to see how these goes."

So yes I was kinda disappointed. And hurt. And went on a "I don't care" rage for a few days. But it all dawned on me and he has the right to feel that way. He did say he wasn't searching for anyone else. That's a biggie right? That's something! Maybe. I hope.

Anyways so the whole time I was away we texted, we called. There was always some form of contact. And I loved it, I won't lie. I even met heaps of guys and they were cute..but not as cute as him...

So Saturday night was our second date, for some reason it feels like we've been going out forever though. We went out for dinner. The horrible thing is I kept getting this horrible gut feeling that this is not going to work..it was horrible. Sitting there at dinner looking at him and thinking how amazing he is but thinking how I don't think I can handle the age gap and how I don't fit into his life somehow. He was talking about the next 12 months, what he wants to do, and I just felt like I don't fit it. I know it's only been a month but..it feels weird..I know I'm just being silly. I decided to get over it and enjoy the night. So we decided to go to putt-putt, where we were just silly with each other. Randomly making out on the courses. It put my mind at ease.. I floated away on cloud 9...

And he stayed over.. in a moment of vulnerability, I told him how I felt.. that I like him a lot. I felt when he told me he didn't care if I met anyone else that I felt he didn't care. He told me he did care. I told him I don't want to waste time, that I don't want to get hurt. There was instant silence.. but he held me closer and I felt reassured for a moment in time.

Then we woke up together..and even with the morning breath I didn't care. We just laid there dozing randomly and spooning..looking at each other..smiling..laughing.. I made him waffles for breakfast.. It was very cute. He kept thanking me and giving me these huge smiles! It melted my heart. We watched some cricket together and went to the Seafood Markets..it was so coupley. It was awesome. We want to go back with beer and wine and make an afternoon of it with friends. I was so sad when the time was inching closer to him leaving. I instantly missed him.

I hated the feeling.

I never missed the feeling!

So as the night went on we had texted to tell each other we had a great weekend. And stupidly I was expecting a goodnight text because I always get a goodnight text. But there was no text. I put it down to the fact that we had just spent like 24 hours together, that he was with his friends, and he was knackered. The feeling passed.

I woke up this morning secretly hoping I had a text..but I didn't. Which is cool. I texted him very briefly a few hours later. And by a few hours later after I still had not recieved a reply.. Instant wave of disappointment washed over me.. I started replaying over everything in my mind.. had I done something wrong? Said something? Did I come off too strong? It was driving me crazy. I felt sad.. I reached for chocolate! I slumped. I hadn't felt this way in months..I kept asking myself if I was really ready to do this all over again, to get hurt.

And when I finally got that reply I felt so much better. There was even a cute name thrown in there and I got my sanity back.

He's going away this weekend with the boys which makes me slightly apprehensive. I just want him to behave himself and be careful..that's another thing that the age gap makes me.. I feel like I have to look after him or something.. it's crap. I don't want to treat him like that.. I feel horrible when I question things he says and does.. I wish I could stop it.

I'll be so glad when he comes back.

I see him in 2 weeks....Time fly please?

And then New Years will be weird. we're both doing our own things. I possibly will be in another state.. I think maybe just going with it will be the best thing.. I just don't wanna get too attached..

I just want it to be easy..