Had to add this in..

You Are Brigitte Bardot

Naturally sensual and beautiful You're an exotic beauty who turns heads everywhere You've got a look that's one of a kind

What Famous Pinup Are You?

Going back into the wild

I can actually say for the first time that I have no guys in my life right now..well not the romantically inclined type anyways.

It's feels kinda weird.

 I can definitely classify myself as being single for nearly 2 years now. But I've always seemed to have male company and one time or another. It hasn't felt like I've been entirely single, like I've lived the single gal's life. Maybe I did go out time to time..But it wasn't ever fun. There was always drama drama drama..!

It was a devastating break-up. It killed me deep down, and it took a lot to get over. I did some regrettable things in order to deal with what had happened. I look back, and remember feeling that I just stood stilll whilst things were in motion around me. 

I think I had guys constantly to keep myself from remembering my ex. There was a stage where I realised I hadn't gotten over him, and did end seeing someone. But I just kept it up. The things we do to ourselves. And I've only just learnt my lessons.

Anyways, so I think it's time for me to start living this single life up. I've been in hibernation due to the Winter, but now we're getting closer to Summer..! It's heating up, and what not a better excuse to wear a pretty dress..? And flirt.   

I can't wait to start blogging the dates.. Haha..! This is gonna be a fun ride.

It all starts tomorrow night.

OOOhh venture..!

                              

Words of Wisdom

I love her. 

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left..." Marilyn Monroe.

" I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes. I'm out of control and at times a little hard to handle..

But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my BEST.."

Marilyn Monroe

"It's far better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone — so far."

"Don't you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You wouldn't marry a girl just because she's pretty, but my goodness, doesn't it help?"

"If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything"

"Imperfection is beauty, madness is genius, and it's better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely stupid."

"Beneath the make-up and behind the mask I am just a girl who wishes for the world."

"I don't know who invented High heels but all women owe him a lot"

It's all Marilyn.

By the way

I'm loving my new Pandora charm bracelet. If only we could choose our men like we can choose our charms..

Only like 20 more expensive charms to purchase. Awesome.

Btw.. many spelling errors occured in my last rant. I'm not on drugs like Courtney Love. Promise.

The whole story about Footy Boy..

Trying to keep my eyes open.. The heat has absolutely taken all the energy out of me.

Today, A girl I used to work with told me about her Nomination bracelet she had when she travelled all around the world, each countries flag marked. I told her that this guy I used to see (Footy Boy) has the exact same thing going on. She stopped me.

"What does he look like?"

"Uh.. sandy blonde hair... blue eyes?"

"I saw him on the train.. I noticed him because I've never seen anyone with the same nomination bracelet that I had all them years ago.."

"Nah..! Nah..! 

"And he was with this exotic Asian guy"

"Col.. Colin.. That's his best mate.."

That freaked me out. Why was he on the train. Em said they had Uni stuff going on. This is so weird. How is it such a small world full of billions of people..?

But it's got me thinking about him again. Dammit I was doing so well..!

Footy boy was a guy I met at the Footy. It all makes sense now, doesn't it?

He was sitting with a whole bunch of guys in our row. I saw him look me up and down. I was impressed. We discovered that they were actually taking up all of our seats.. And me being the loud mouth that I am told them to move. They moved, but because I was so smitten at the sight of this boy, told him to stay. He was only there to watch one of the games.. But he stayed. We got to know each other over cheap beer and wine. The tipsier I got the more I started slipping into him. He was so awesome..! He was so confident and funny and charming. Everything slotted in perfectly. We shared so much in common. We just had this way of interacting without speaking. It was perfect.

*Meanwhile, I just sent him a text re: The Train.. I really shouldn't have.*

He promised to take me to the Zoo on the weekend.  But for some reason we ended up in the Hunter Valley

*And in between this sentence, he messaged back..saying he didn't know who I was.. no reply needed to that."

Yeah, so we ended up at the Hunter Valley (Wine central of New South Wales) buying golf clubs. How that happened I don't know, but we had a great time on like a 3 hour drive getting to know each other. Then at the end of it, we stopped at Halfway Maccas..And then at Brooklyn.. Where we sat on a jetty and watched the sunset. It was just indescribable. I had no words to speak. It was still to perfect for words.

I thought after that date that this guy was something very very special. Yet my guards stayed up, and I was too scared to let him in. We went on several other dates. The only thing was, I was still seeing Ute Boy at this stage.. And because I was stupid and enjoyed the greener side, I continually ignored Footy Boy. The only problem was..This worked well. The moment I gave Ute Boy up (this was only like the 7th millionth time before it all ended) and started giving my all to Footy Boy, Footy Boy changed. He stopped calling as much as he used to. He stopped messaging. He stopped taking me out. I didn't get it..! I treat him like shit, he chases me. I treat him like a king, he half assed me. I was so confused by it all. We had several "chats" about this behaviour. He said he understood, said he would try harder. I had that faith again. But it kept happening.

And then all of a sudden, he disappeared. Gone.. Vamoose. 

I was devastated. What happened? What did I do?

A month later, I get a text. 

"Hey babe, how's it going. Would love to catch up. Ciao xo"

WHAT THE FUCK?

I was so confused at this point, because I was back in denial with Ute Boy. How could this guy have just disappeared and then come back like he'd never left.

It just didn't work for me. I was cranky. I bought up the "If you really liked me like you say you do then you would've called me.. You wouldn't of just left without telling me.." Etc etc. We stopped talking. How that came about I can't recollect.

And then, he came back on the scene for my 23rd birthday. I had hired a hotel room and since he was my handbag for the night we took full advantage of it. He started talking about being in a relationship with me; He had planned to go overseas for months and he was leaving the following week, but wanted to be with me when he got back. I stupidly believed it all. And the next day, waking up next to him was different. I'd never woken up next to him before, and my feelings had changed. I had such warmer, stronger feelings for this guy. It was an awesome feeling..That didn't last very long.

That morning was a little awkward. Breakfast was quiet. Conversations were avoided, and he left earlier that anticipated for his soccer game. After he left, I curled up on the couch in the hotel and cried. I felt so alone. So stupid. How could I have done this to myself..?

Before he left, we agreed to go to dinner before he left, so I kept looking forward to it. Talking myself out of the weirdness that he had left me with. 

That was a Saturday.

Sunday came, and no word. I had messaged him in the morning, asking him to give me a call when he was free. No word for a very very long time. I called. Left a voicemail. That night I spent with Ute Boy. He could tell I was upset. We didn't touch. He tried to tell me this Footy Guy was a toss, that I could do better (Just not along the lines of him though..) and I tried to push it out of my mind. I looked at the phone for 12 hours I reckon.

Monday. Cranky. I got geed up by a girl I had worked with to call him; "You cannot wait any longer..! What if he's been in an accident??"

*Ring ring*

Hello

Hi

Oh hey babe how are you (Like as if he wasn't expecting me to call ever again)

Fine

Cool, what's new?

Nothing. Are you ok..? I haven't heard from you. What's going on? 

Nothing.. did you call me yesterday?

Yes. You never called me back like I asked you to.

Well it's Sunday, I was relaxing. I don't use this number on Sundays.

Right. (Knowing damn well that he's texted me, called me, and visited me on Sundays)

Yeah..

I'll give you a call later. Bye.

Uh..            bye.

That night, I was livid. Why give me a work number, to always contact you on, but when it comes to this Sunday, right after we just spent a night together, you decide to be lazy.

We called the dinner off. I told him to contact me when he got he's head around everything when he came back from Europe.

That month he was away, I didn't even think twice of him. I had other things going on, I changed jobs, family issues, friend issues. He was as far away from my mind as he had ever been, and I was happy.

October 5th. Parklife. I was having a fab time. It was awesome. I get a message. 

"Hey you, It's ____. I''m back from overseas and would love to see you, catch up. Hope you've been well, Ciao"  (He thinks he's Italian for some reason..)

And I was just in a silly mood. I had been drinking and thought "Why not, what's the harm hey" 

And that's when it all started. The chasings, the dates. It was incredible. I resisted for awhile. He bragged he was "The new and improved ____" And I was loving every minute of it. In my mind, I was going crazy. Crazy happy. This guy finally knows what he wants know. He wants me.

He had recently moved down to the Shire, and had invited me over for a night of (passion) Sushi and DVDS. I was excited. I met his close friends, they were lovely. My guards were up, but it felt so right this time around. We got to a drinking game (I promise you, I'm not an alcoholic! haha) and I become very blotto. But very excitable. We started making out like crazy, and before we knew, the inevitable was happening. I was so caught up in it. It felt great. I had been swept off my feet by this "caring" guy. Things were said that I don't think would ever had been said sober; and I listened carefully. I changed my way of thinking overnight. This guy had blurted out how I had made him feel like shit sometimes, how I was hurtful because I wouldn't let me guard down. It was true; I wasn't very accommodating at some stages. I was a total bitch. It was like a wake up call, and I found myself wanting to prove to him that I wanted to be with him. We woke up together. I had made a point of last time's waking up together and the awkwardness; and he made sure it wasn't this time. I had an hour and a half of travelling on the train ahead of me, so when he dropped me off at the station, I asked him to be my boyfriend.

There was a large pause. 

That's when I knew something was up. He started saying something about doing it the proper way, asking me some crap. But my heart was crushed. I had been here before with him. And as I sat on the train home, I regret ever having met him.

He asked me to let him know when I had got home. I sent a nice text thanking him for the weekend, telling him how lovely his friends were. And how I couldn't wait to see him. No response. Nada. Not till the next day.

I was annoyed again. But not at him, at myself.

The half-assed communication started happening again, and the further I let it roll on the worse I felt. I asked him to try a little harder, bringing the whole "New and Improved" conversation up. He said he thought I was asking too much. I cracked the shits. Does anyone think that 2 messages a day is asking way too fucking much..? I don't. I was happy doing it for him. 

And he did "try". Half assed once again. Until last Thursday. I had bottled so much anger up, I texted him to tell him that I didn't think he could give me what I wanted, and this has to end. There was no fight put up. 

He wanted to talk about it "later" and for some reason I developed balls and told him that I didn't want to talk about it "later" I was sick of talking about it..! The first time was enough. 

And that was it up until now.

Well well..

Well.. I didn't finish early like I was supposed to this afternoon.. Which sucks, but tomorrow I get to finish early instead which is pretty righteous.

Anyways.. Ute Boy is actually messaging me on Facebook chat.. What the?  Ahh.. my mind is going stupid for some unknown reason. Why?? We're just friends. 

It's annoying, this is poo. I always think to myself.. "Why can't he just like me, love me even..It would be so perfect if he just would.."

This guy is all I've ever wanted in a guy.. We get along so damn well.. There is this crazy chemistry between us.. Why does life have to be like this? 

The weird thing is, what if life were like that? How different would life be if things always worked out to our every whim..? Would we be truly happy? 

I'd like to imagine my life would play out like this..

I'd be a fabulous writer, who would also be a florist. 

I would have a gorgeous house on the waterfront, on the Northern Beaches

I would have a luxury cruiser and I would have cats everywhere. (LOL) 

I would have a gorgeous husband (In the mould of Ute Boy). 

We would have gotten married on the beach in the Jenny Packham number I have my eye on..

We would have 2 beautiful children, the eldest being a boy named Lachlan, and a little girl named Isabella. And she would have beautiful curly blonde hair and a vivacious cheeky smile. And good teeth because I didn't have to die for teeth until after Ortho..

And life would be beautiful.. Dinner parties, sailing, picnics on the beach..soccer on Saturday, Ballet on Sunday. 

And I would have a Range Rover. Ha ha.

I would be one of those pretentious snob wives. And I would love every moment of it because I would be truly happy..my life would be playing out exactly how I would want it to be played out.

Where's the fun in that though?

Life should be much more easier than this.. like one of those books that you can choose you path and slightly know the outcome of. At least give us a hint..! 

Rainy day in the City..

It's 9.o1am, Wednesday morning. On the Campbelltown to Museum via Granville train. Going to work. The rain is a horrible situation. It is so gloomy and dark here in the city. I cannot stand the rain; I get all drowned rattish and cold, and my hair frizzes. I want the sun shining all the time.

Anyways, just some short rants. Big story time when I get home this afternoon.

So I keep getting asked if I've heard from Footy Boy (this one's a story and a half.) Why would I? Why is this a daily question? So to answer it.. No. I have not heard from Footy Boy. After telling him that I was sick of talking to him about his laziness, does anyone think I'd hear from this guy again? Really..? I do miss him..but I missed the guy who I started off with in the beginning, not the jackass he turned out to be. And I think it's a good thing that I haven't heard from him..I'd probably revert to my silly girl ways, let him come back, and then go through the stages with him all over again.

This time I think it's pretty safe to say it's over.

He wasn't that much fun anyways. And I think a bordering alcholic.

Hrmm...

I have so much more to give..

But cannot as I am sooo buggered..! 

I'm getting slightly addicted to this whole blogging thing.. And have been eyeing everyone else's. It's awesome to see how many girls in the world have issues with boys.. haha. I'm not the only one..! 

I'm going to write a story tomorrow, promise.

I want to keep writing..!

There's been recent exits of the "men" (If you could call them that) that have been in my life for quite some time. I'll refer to them as Ute Boy, Footy Boy, and Overseas Boy. Their alias names give a bit of a description already. Typical Australian boys.

We'll start with Ute boy.

Met: 2oo7, but have known since the dawn of time (Primary School, he was the year above. Then we went to the same High School. I had a crush.)

Where: PJ Gallaghers. A mediocre Irish pub. It's like high school reunion in that place.

How: A cheesy first liner.

           "You can come closer..I'm not gonna bite.."

           A killer ute also helped.

So, with a little influence from a crush that had lasted over 10 years or so, I passed on my number. We arranged a first date of dinner at an Italian resturaunt and a viewing of Shrek III. It was a fabulous first date; the best I had ever had. Up until that point, anyways. It was lust at first sight and I was very easily persuaded.. Before I knew, I had fallen head over heels within the first night.

We followed up with a 2nd, 3rd and 4th. Dinners, a DVD and sleepovers. 

I discovered he was seeing someone else whilst seeing me via MySpace. Only because of a snooping friend of a friend who was also the "other girl". My intial reaction was that of immediate hate and betrayal. How dare he had done that to me. Me..! Me..!!!! But for some reason we slipped back into seeing each other. It just happened. And the trust issues never were an issue. I don't know why, but we just worked.

It was a very on and off relationship. He would say he didn't want a girlfriend. Wasn't ready for the commitment. Wasn't ready to have a better half. Liked the single life. But wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Silly me fell into a nice puddle of denial for a few months. I hoped and prayed he would like me, that I was a different girl..Like I could make him be a boyfriend. My boyfriend. Mine.

Then, one day, I had some kind of epiphany. It had struck me. "This guy doesn't want a girlfriend. He doesn't want me". 

I ended it. Well after giving the ultimatum "It's me or nothing." You can only guess what his answer were.

And we drifted back again. And again. And again.

And each time, we would get closer. We learnt so much about each other. It was a given right that Thursday night was our night. We didn't even call each other to double check if the night was still on. It just was.

I had fallen back into the hoping and praying. And the vicious cycle would come around and around again and again. I never learnt anything. I tried playing it cool. I tried not caring. But I couldn't. Because I cared too much.

The last time we were together..I nabbed him as a boyfriend. For 4 day. 4 Days. I managed to talk him into it. And I managed to talk him out of it without even knowing. I had been talking too much. Ute Boy had sent a text which was meant for a mate but had mistakenly been sent to me. It was very hurtful, about how I talk so much shit. I made a fuss. He dumped me. Me. Me..!!

It was like stepping back to the beginning again.

This went on for nearly 2 years. How can people who don't really appreciate each other..don't really "like" each other last that long..?

After a month or so, we started talking. But something is different now. We're just friends.

Just friends.

I'll tell you about Footy Boy next time.

Inspiration..

It took a new MacBook, and magazines Frankie #26 and Yen (The 6th Birthday Issue), to really give me some inspiration. The writers in these magazines are amazing. Raw, honest, edgy. It gives me a craving to be a writer. I've always had a passion for creative writing.. It might explain my marks on my English tests. It's always fun to create someone else's story..Like living another life, and watching them make the mistakes instead..

So this is my first real blog. I had a crappy MySpace blog..and all I seemed to write about were my experiences with the opposite sex. I got the views, and plenty of girl power comments. I also got someone busted cheating. That was interesting..!  This blog will probably go down the same track once I lose my newly found inspiration (Nothing a new Frankie/Yen issue can fix). The opposite sex (The male kind, in my case) are a confusing bunch. Not that I can say "been there, done that" when it comes to these blokes,  but i have my fair share of experiences. Upon meeting the ones that fit the criteria (it's mainly the humour that reels me in), it's like riding a rollercoaster.. The ups, the downs. The good times, and the just plain bad times. The precious rantings that showed up on the MySpace blog were like a release of information without having to hear any opinions, judgements. It was all in my words; my view. And it kinda felt cool that randoms could read these rants. The comments from randoms made me feel like my opinion mattered. All the things that happened with these boys gave me a good reason to just burt out how I felt at the time..probably because I couldn't actually voice myself to these guys.

But anyways I'm babbling at the moment. Trying to concentrate on what I'm writing with the chattering out in the backyard and the sound of Pam Girl on The Loose on E!. 

Well..

Pam's telling her story..and now I'm telling mine.

Stay tuned. This blog could result in marriage.