Trying to keep my eyes open.. The heat has absolutely taken all the energy out of me.
Today, A girl I used to work with told me about her Nomination bracelet she had when she travelled all around the world, each countries flag marked. I told her that this guy I used to see (Footy Boy) has the exact same thing going on. She stopped me.
"What does he look like?"
"Uh.. sandy blonde hair... blue eyes?"
"I saw him on the train.. I noticed him because I've never seen anyone with the same nomination bracelet that I had all them years ago.."
"Nah..! Nah..!
"And he was with this exotic Asian guy"
"Col.. Colin.. That's his best mate.."
That freaked me out. Why was he on the train. Em said they had Uni stuff going on. This is so weird. How is it such a small world full of billions of people..?
But it's got me thinking about him again. Dammit I was doing so well..!
Footy boy was a guy I met at the Footy. It all makes sense now, doesn't it?
He was sitting with a whole bunch of guys in our row. I saw him look me up and down. I was impressed. We discovered that they were actually taking up all of our seats.. And me being the loud mouth that I am told them to move. They moved, but because I was so smitten at the sight of this boy, told him to stay. He was only there to watch one of the games.. But he stayed. We got to know each other over cheap beer and wine. The tipsier I got the more I started slipping into him. He was so awesome..! He was so confident and funny and charming. Everything slotted in perfectly. We shared so much in common. We just had this way of interacting without speaking. It was perfect.
*Meanwhile, I just sent him a text re: The Train.. I really shouldn't have.*
He promised to take me to the Zoo on the weekend. But for some reason we ended up in the Hunter Valley
*And in between this sentence, he messaged back..saying he didn't know who I was.. no reply needed to that."
Yeah, so we ended up at the Hunter Valley (Wine central of New South Wales) buying golf clubs. How that happened I don't know, but we had a great time on like a 3 hour drive getting to know each other. Then at the end of it, we stopped at Halfway Maccas..And then at Brooklyn.. Where we sat on a jetty and watched the sunset. It was just indescribable. I had no words to speak. It was still to perfect for words.
I thought after that date that this guy was something very very special. Yet my guards stayed up, and I was too scared to let him in. We went on several other dates. The only thing was, I was still seeing Ute Boy at this stage.. And because I was stupid and enjoyed the greener side, I continually ignored Footy Boy. The only problem was..This worked well. The moment I gave Ute Boy up (this was only like the 7th millionth time before it all ended) and started giving my all to Footy Boy, Footy Boy changed. He stopped calling as much as he used to. He stopped messaging. He stopped taking me out. I didn't get it..! I treat him like shit, he chases me. I treat him like a king, he half assed me. I was so confused by it all. We had several "chats" about this behaviour. He said he understood, said he would try harder. I had that faith again. But it kept happening.
And then all of a sudden, he disappeared. Gone.. Vamoose.
I was devastated. What happened? What did I do?
A month later, I get a text.
"Hey babe, how's it going. Would love to catch up. Ciao xo"
WHAT THE FUCK?
I was so confused at this point, because I was back in denial with Ute Boy. How could this guy have just disappeared and then come back like he'd never left.
It just didn't work for me. I was cranky. I bought up the "If you really liked me like you say you do then you would've called me.. You wouldn't of just left without telling me.." Etc etc. We stopped talking. How that came about I can't recollect.
And then, he came back on the scene for my 23rd birthday. I had hired a hotel room and since he was my handbag for the night we took full advantage of it. He started talking about being in a relationship with me; He had planned to go overseas for months and he was leaving the following week, but wanted to be with me when he got back. I stupidly believed it all. And the next day, waking up next to him was different. I'd never woken up next to him before, and my feelings had changed. I had such warmer, stronger feelings for this guy. It was an awesome feeling..That didn't last very long.
That morning was a little awkward. Breakfast was quiet. Conversations were avoided, and he left earlier that anticipated for his soccer game. After he left, I curled up on the couch in the hotel and cried. I felt so alone. So stupid. How could I have done this to myself..?
Before he left, we agreed to go to dinner before he left, so I kept looking forward to it. Talking myself out of the weirdness that he had left me with.
That was a Saturday.
Sunday came, and no word. I had messaged him in the morning, asking him to give me a call when he was free. No word for a very very long time. I called. Left a voicemail. That night I spent with Ute Boy. He could tell I was upset. We didn't touch. He tried to tell me this Footy Guy was a toss, that I could do better (Just not along the lines of him though..) and I tried to push it out of my mind. I looked at the phone for 12 hours I reckon.
Monday. Cranky. I got geed up by a girl I had worked with to call him; "You cannot wait any longer..! What if he's been in an accident??"
*Ring ring*
Hello
Hi
Oh hey babe how are you (Like as if he wasn't expecting me to call ever again)
Fine
Cool, what's new?
Nothing. Are you ok..? I haven't heard from you. What's going on?
Nothing.. did you call me yesterday?
Yes. You never called me back like I asked you to.
Well it's Sunday, I was relaxing. I don't use this number on Sundays.
Right. (Knowing damn well that he's texted me, called me, and visited me on Sundays)
Yeah..
I'll give you a call later. Bye.
Uh.. bye.
That night, I was livid. Why give me a work number, to always contact you on, but when it comes to this Sunday, right after we just spent a night together, you decide to be lazy.
We called the dinner off. I told him to contact me when he got he's head around everything when he came back from Europe.
That month he was away, I didn't even think twice of him. I had other things going on, I changed jobs, family issues, friend issues. He was as far away from my mind as he had ever been, and I was happy.
October 5th. Parklife. I was having a fab time. It was awesome. I get a message.
"Hey you, It's ____. I''m back from overseas and would love to see you, catch up. Hope you've been well, Ciao" (He thinks he's Italian for some reason..)
And I was just in a silly mood. I had been drinking and thought "Why not, what's the harm hey"
And that's when it all started. The chasings, the dates. It was incredible. I resisted for awhile. He bragged he was "The new and improved ____" And I was loving every minute of it. In my mind, I was going crazy. Crazy happy. This guy finally knows what he wants know. He wants me.
He had recently moved down to the Shire, and had invited me over for a night of (passion) Sushi and DVDS. I was excited. I met his close friends, they were lovely. My guards were up, but it felt so right this time around. We got to a drinking game (I promise you, I'm not an alcoholic! haha) and I become very blotto. But very excitable. We started making out like crazy, and before we knew, the inevitable was happening. I was so caught up in it. It felt great. I had been swept off my feet by this "caring" guy. Things were said that I don't think would ever had been said sober; and I listened carefully. I changed my way of thinking overnight. This guy had blurted out how I had made him feel like shit sometimes, how I was hurtful because I wouldn't let me guard down. It was true; I wasn't very accommodating at some stages. I was a total bitch. It was like a wake up call, and I found myself wanting to prove to him that I wanted to be with him. We woke up together. I had made a point of last time's waking up together and the awkwardness; and he made sure it wasn't this time. I had an hour and a half of travelling on the train ahead of me, so when he dropped me off at the station, I asked him to be my boyfriend.
There was a large pause.
That's when I knew something was up. He started saying something about doing it the proper way, asking me some crap. But my heart was crushed. I had been here before with him. And as I sat on the train home, I regret ever having met him.
He asked me to let him know when I had got home. I sent a nice text thanking him for the weekend, telling him how lovely his friends were. And how I couldn't wait to see him. No response. Nada. Not till the next day.
I was annoyed again. But not at him, at myself.
The half-assed communication started happening again, and the further I let it roll on the worse I felt. I asked him to try a little harder, bringing the whole "New and Improved" conversation up. He said he thought I was asking too much. I cracked the shits. Does anyone think that 2 messages a day is asking way too fucking much..? I don't. I was happy doing it for him.
And he did "try". Half assed once again. Until last Thursday. I had bottled so much anger up, I texted him to tell him that I didn't think he could give me what I wanted, and this has to end. There was no fight put up.
He wanted to talk about it "later" and for some reason I developed balls and told him that I didn't want to talk about it "later" I was sick of talking about it..! The first time was enough.
And that was it up until now.
