oK, getting to the nitty gritty.

This week comprised of:

- a resolution with Fireman Sam.

- drunken texts to Footy Boy..that may have gone too far.. hehe.

- a resolution with Lainie. (?)

- a deep resentment for singledom//couples.

- a realisation that I have no "real" friends.. or I have some, that just hang out with other people.

- another realisation that my seperated parents are really meant to be together.

-

 Happy Hour at Roof Bar - $3 drinks between 5 and 7pm.

So I might start point by point..

FS: Yes! Omg! Closure. But I miss him. Urk.

On my drunken Thursday night, I spotted him on Facebook and in my drunken state of mind thought I must must must speak to him it is vital! 

"talk to me Sammmmmmmm.. pleaseeeeee"

"what is it"

"i'm sorry, i'm really sorry. i'm sorry for everything"

"ok ur forgiven"

"do y

ou hate me i don't want you to hate me"

"why would i hate you"

"because of everything thats happened.. i shouldnt really be saying sorry to you after everything,  but i am, im sorry for everything" (little did he know, I meant I was sorry for ever meeting him..)

"its ok"

"have you got my cardi"

lol

"yes ill send it i forgot your address.. what is it"

Yes!!!

After exchanging my address, I simply said:

"i'm glad we had this chat"

"me too"

"bye"

lol

Ok so I felt sooo much better after that. I don't want anyone hating on me. And I'm getting my cardigan back.. at this stage anyways.. woo hoo! But in finding this closure, I realised I miss him. I miss him so much. I miss that good for nothin fool! Argh. Maybe I just miss his presence..like someone was there..even though he was good for nothin!

I'm sure it will pass.

Footy Boy - and the drunken texts.

They were MY drunken texts (I just can't help myself can I? haha)

I was sitting by myself as Dr Crazy had left me to go get some more cheap $3 goon-or Sparkling Wine as it's properly known as-and was filling silly. The morning texts had stopped! What the! So I decided to message him, after denying myself the pleasure all day. Started off something like: "How you doing how's your day?"

I find out he's in China! For business. We get onto the subject of wine, then promises to call him.

I go to call. No answer.

Grr.

I get a text straight back. "The hostess on the plane is looking at me funny! I'll call you when I land"

This not being good enough, and not wanting the communication to end there, I kept it up. And for some reason I blurted out that I've missed him.. I've never met anyone like him (which is very true..but I can't remember him anymore, lol!) Yada yada.. to which I get back:

"ive missed you too, really cant wait to catch up, alots changed since i have seen you last, will be good to see you"

Lol.. Ok so I took it to far. And he's been messaging me since. Like I had to profess my undying love for him to get more messages, lol!

He's back 4th of May. Not sure how to feel about it. Am I just being desperate? But I feel like, if I was being desperate I'd be hanging on to the phone, waiting for a message, calling, getting all bahjiggity! But I'm not. I almost feel like I've taken shape of a guy. Those ones who tell you they miss you, but really don't, keep you stringin' along till something better pops up. Hrmm..

I do miss the early times we had together..we had soo much fun. Like when you meet someone you click with soo well, and you do proper dates and holding hands is like such a cute thing, sneaking subtle kisses here and there, it was all so new and I was head over heels, he was truly someone different to the normal losers I meet. But then it started to slip away.. And it never was the same.  I've written about the end before.. check it out in my label Footy Boy :)

Oh well, it's some sort of excitement in the man sector..

Lainie, Lainie, Lainie. 

What are we going to do with her? Her Facebook now officially states she is in a relationship-oh goody-and she's making all these lovely plans. Especially going to that music festival with me. I so did not want to give my tickets up for We Love Sounds, but she initially said she couldn't go and then turned around and said she could, and she wants to go with me. I have put alot of that crap behind me, I want to go so badly because it looks like so much fun. But I don't know what to expect. I almost feel sightly like she's using me.

Hrm.

I'm sure we'll find out when she gets my money for the ticket..next week.

Everywhere I turn there is always a couple..or a couple of couples, almost rubbing their happiness in my face. Of course they're not rubbing it in at all. But it feels like it..like a stab in the back.

When will I be in the couples club making everyone else vomit with my PDA'S??

It's not an aim..but it's been sooo long.

So I'm home alone on a Saturday night, hanging out with my parents..I'm having fun spending the time together, as my mum and dad haven't hung out together since I don't even know when, but part of my keeps longing to go out.. longing to be with friends. But then it strikes me.. they're with their boyfriends..husbands.. they're doing other better important things..that don't include me. And it's slightly upsetting. I'm loving this time at home to do stuff for myself, reflect and all that..but I don't know how much longer I can stay at home. I long to be out being silly, meeting and making new friends, to forget the old ones. Drinking nice whites, and even Vodka and Red Bulls..dancing like no one's watching..and just laughing. I never knew making new friends would be this hard. I guess it doesn't help living so far away from everyone. I'll just blame that for the moment.

And today is crazy, as I said before, my parents are hanging out for the first time in yonks. My dad has been here since 9:30am.. it's now.. 6:51pm. We went to lunch and shopping and watched movies and had a nice homemade satay and it's so weird. This is how it was m

eant to be. I can see by the way they talk to each other, look at each other, they miss each other. There's some kind of light and spark. It's kinda cute.

I think it would be stranger than fiction if something was to happen and go further.. kinda scary actually.

That satay was so yum. I think I could easily fall asleep.. My dad is constantly calling out to me. How annoying. He ain't livin' here. lol.

Am I a nice person?

My mother seems to think not. She seems to think I'm the one to be blamed for everything going wrong in my life...

Which I think is incredibly unfair..

She's taken the side of Lainie, saying I deserved all I got.. I can see where she's coming from..I truly do. But after everything that Lainie has said to me and how catty she has been towards me

 previously, before the whole going out shamozzle last week, it still makes no difference to my mother..my mother is one of those tactless people (whom I can't stand and whom I never wish I would be like/turn into) and only sees one view. Normally it's always against me. 

My mother has been like this towards me my whole life.. She has never once stuck up for me and sided for me. Once..I was playing

 with my cousin in his pool when we were about 12 and 8.. He started to try and push my under the water..almost like trying to drown me. I was screaming for my mother, who was sitting about 20 metres away..I was waving my hands frantically above my head, splashing about, but she did nothing about it. I managed to free myself and pulled myself out of that pool, crying. I

 ran towards her, and she had nothing to say. She did nothing.

I asked her recently what that was about.. Her answer was that pretty much she didn't want to start anything between her and her sister (My aunt and the mother of my cousin obviously) and I was kinda enraged by that. How could you feel that way, when you're watching your only daughter being held under water? How could you not want to do anything about it? It still haunts me. And that argument just then reminded me of her faith to others and not to me.  

She also blamed the break-down of another friendship on me, saying

 that this other friend had no choice after the things I had said to her..yet this other friend initiated the "discussion" and had pointed out millions of my faults and things I had done. This other friend had said things to me, too..so how was that all of my fault? This other friend had hoarded an issue about me after I had said something stupid for like nearly 2 years. How is it my fault that she could not come to me to talk about it first? To then, holding everything against me for the next year or so, building up on everything I said to her. I had no issue with her at all. I wasn't

 upset. She and her sister had said and done things to me towards the end where I was feeling slight resentment.. But I figured that it was just those girls as people..Just like my mother..It's just her with her tactlessness and narrow-mindness..

And really, looking back and thinking about things I had said to this friend.. I was only trying to be protective.. We would go out at night, and they would wear the most sluttiest outfits. Their buttcheeks would be literally hanging out. I would say things like.. "Is that something you're comfortable in? lol or "Aren't you cold?" to try and hint..But I just got called a name caller for that. It wasn't jealously at all. They are the most prettiest girls, but the

y were giving off the wrong persona about themselves through their dress.. And would whinge about the type of men they would meet, and how girls would give them dirty looks. What did they expect when they would dress like that and get so drunk they'd be falling all over each other? And I wasn't impressed by the way it would make me look. I wasn't like that at all, and I still am not. But you could never tell them. And I think I may have said something about the kinda guys you would meet at the clubs to the sister.. I told her that they probably aren't the most ideal places to meet men who want to settle down.. but I think she took it the wrong way, a

 way which I didn't even mean..but they're just so naive about those things. 

It's hard, and it hurts. Maybe I am a terrible friend. I always thought that I was protective, supportive, caring, loyal. But I felt I never recieved that back from any friend. So what is wrong with clearing out the weeds? What is wrong with getting rid of the people who have weighed me down in the past, who have not made me feel secure and happy..? I spoke to the shrink about this yesterday and she kinda has the opposite mentality.. She says it's all about

 compromise in friendships just as it is in relationships. But why is it that I've always felt compromised in these friendships??

Ok, that vent has made me feel better. I instantly bawled my eyes out after my mother had said all of that to me. I've been feeling funny this week. I've had a shit week. After the Lainie and FS thing, I thought I was ok, but shrink thinks I haven't processed it all yet, which had pretty much carried on through the week at work. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong on Thursday and Friday, I felt like shit. I had the guilts about FS on Friday night. I

 didn't realise at the time but I was missing him. And I felt so bad about yelling at him. Even though he deserved it (I think, after this morning's rant at by mum, not sure) I apologised on Facebook chat..he went offline. Ok. Then I had a massive urge to call him yesterday, to which I did. It rang out. Nothing returned back.. Which did not surprise me. But it did make me feel better, that at least I had tried. I had good intentions. And it's ok if he doesn't feel the same. It's fine. 

But ultimately I do miss him, wish I could squeeze him tight. These thoughts need to be eliminated ASAP.

I had a crappy and what they call "dump" session at Shrink. I just poured all over the happenings of last week, had massive verbal diarrhea and did not shut up. Only to get no where. Oh my goodness. "The Scientist" by Coldplay is playing on Channel V.. Instant tears. What's wrong with me..?? I am feeling so down right now. This sucks. This song reminds me of Sunny. The last days. I

 just would love to go back to security, which is what I had with Sunny..and never realised until we had broken up.

Anyways, back to shrink details. I just non-stop crapped on about nothing. She feels I'm not processing all these goings-on due to "no reflective time" which doesn't surprise me. I have been so busy trying to keep myself busy this week, thinking it would help me get my mind off things, yet it has only held back the processing process apparently. My homework for next session is to write one High and one Low of each day. Yay. Only one. Lol. 

I'm going for a driving lesson with my Aunty this afternoon which I think will be fabulous for me. I can vent to her, she's cool. She looked after me alot when I was growing up. I'm kinda like the stand-in daughter. She bought me fudge after the FS incident on Monday. Instant cheer up.

Remember Footy Boy? He started chatting to me on Facebook. I was kinda surprised..he remembered pretty much of everything about me

 last year, all the little things. He wants to catch up, like the first day we meet. At a football game. I don't know what to make of that. I'm curious. But he was very much like FS.. not sure about what he wanted. So I will keep my distance I think..let him do the work if he is genuinely interested. I'm not going through this again. I refuse to!

I want to crawl back into bed for the day.. 

January's word is "Spontaneity"

Spontaneity..something D* has never possessed in her whole life.

Everything has to be planned to the core; every little detail accounted for.

I let my hair down on Saturday night and had literally one of the best nights ever..!

We didn't end up getting in the club on Friday night when Lainie and I intially met up  with Fireman Sam and his mate (we'll call him Richie Rich) as they weren't wearing collars..stupid drongo club isn't even classy! So we made our own fun. We bought a couple of bottles of wine, and played silly drinking game till dawn. It was simple fun. Of course me, being me, freaked out a bit at first.. "Oh I can't play with youse..I got really sick last time.. I really can't.." 20 minutes later, was having a blast playing "I went shopping and.." (Great game to play when drunk, really tests your memory) 

The alcohol bought me and the Fireman a bit closer, soon stepping into our own world, playing cards, whispering and giggling. He divulged that when we met, he felt like a "bond." I thought that was sweet.

The 4 of us went to bed after 3am, Fireman with Me and Lainie with Richie Rich..

We didn't want to sleep. We just kept talking and cuddling, making out. It was like being back in those days when sex was something you just wouldn't do..I never stopped to appreciate making out, because sex would override something as simple as that. And all we did was roll around and laugh and be silly. It was cute.

We woke up after an hour.. Lainie's birds woke us up..so we just laid there drifting in and out of shallow sleep whilst laughing about throwing mounds of rocks at the birds. We got up and drove a few kilometres to Maccas for a greasy breakfast fix. We made fun of a tradie with a grey mullet.. lol. 

But once we started hanging out with Lainie and Richie Rich, he went quiet. Maybe he was just tired.. we all were. But we managed to gather enough energy to drive like an hour and a half to where the boys live by the sea. (Another spontaneous moment) At first it was a bit of a struggle for me.. I felt alone, even though Lainie was with me..RR was paying her attention, not leaving her out for a second.. but FS kinda had his back to me, and seemed to not be acknowledging me in the beginning..I'm guessing his group is cliquey..I get it.. I wasn't wanting him to cling to me..just a little attention was what I wanted//needed.. 

So anyways, D got talked into having some wine.. (Spontaneous moment #3) and let herself go. We all started laughing and doing dumbass things, like smoking the apartment up with a smoke machine, and playing Hacki Sack with a massive basketball that looks like a tennis ball. It was soo fun! Maybe had to be there..?

As the wine started kicking in, so did my care factor and so I walked up to FS and blankly asked with a cheeky smile on my face:

"What's a girl gotta do to get some attention around here" 

Well that started the ball rolling. We started hugging, grabbing. Kissing. We went for a walk on the beach.. It was great. I dawned on me that this boy is just so different around his friends than when he's by himself. It's crazy! But I have to give it to him; the guys started getting into some Death Metal at 12:30am.. (yuck!) and although he liked it and I know he wanted to join in on the sillyness, he stayed with me, and laid with me, covering my ears from the tremendous noise coming from the decks. I thought that was cute. 

He had to work the next morning.. and wasn't very happy.. maybe not a morning person. A quick kiss, and he was off. I missed his warmth in bed. But I felt okay. Usually I would feel sad because I'd be alone, but I felt content..settled. 

We left the beachside apartment late morning, and Lainie and I discussed the boy situation, and what we were going to do. The boys asked us back the next weekend for a beach party. I really want to go. Lainie wants to go wakeboarding with Boat Boy, but will be cactus afterwards..so I decided to make plans with FS today..I've set up a meeting next weekend, and a place to stay (his!) so this should make for very interesting blogging..!

I'm at home today.. worst cold ever.. bahh!! At least there's some waffles around here!  

Here's a few things

What'​s a fact about​ the perso​n you fell harde​st for?
He has a sexy ute.


Did the last perso​n you kiss have tatto​os,​​ if so what?​​
No he didn't.. because he's a stupid whiny baby. Lol.. it makes me feel better alright..!


Have you ever been in a perfe​ct relat​ionsh​ip?​​
I think I was but took it very for granted hence my position here and now.

How did you get your last bruis​e?​​

Walked into a computer chair.


When is the last time you cried​?​​
I think last week.


What was the last movie​ you watch​ed?​​
American Gangster.

Do you hate anyon​e?​​
Just dislike.


Have you ever liked​ someo​ne older​ than you?

Yes.. I'm not sure if it works for me though.

When was the last time you were extre​mely disap​point​ed?​​
Monday. And slightly Tuesday.

Who was the last perso​n to call you?
priva​te numbe​r


Is there​ a perso​n of the oppos​ite sex that means​ a lot to you?
I really dig Dentist Boy.. but oh well.


Who'​​s in your profi​le pictu​re with you?
No one


Do you like Red Bull?​​
Like it better than [V]

What are you doing​ tomor​row?​​

Working.. boo..

Ever broke​n a bone?​​
I have a stress fracture on my right ankle but I've been smart enough to avoid things like breaking bones.


Last time you had pizza​?​​
At Lainie's! MMM Homemade.

Is there​ somet​hing you need to tell someo​ne?​​
"You're what the kids would call a slut."

Lol.. Aussie t.v show thing..!


How many days until​ your next birth​day?​​
Like 8 months. Not working the day count out.

What are your initi​als?​​

D M H .

What have you eaten​ today​?​​
Brekkie: Coco Pops, I slice raisin toast, 1 sml banana mm

Lunch: McDippers mm

Dinner: Hot chips and tomato sauce bahah.. So healthy.


Is your hair natur​ally curly​ or strai​ght?​​
Curly..! love it.


Who was the last perso​n you took a pictu​re with?​​
Lainie..!


Who was the first​ perso​n you talke​d to today​?​​
Probably my boss.

Are you curre​ntly sad about​ anyth​ing?​​
Disappointed

Do you put your subje​ct befor​e you type the bulle​tin or after​?​​

Before

Are you tired​?​​
Yes. And confused.

What does your last messa​ge in your inbox​ say?
Bogan Xmas Play lmfao

What colou​r is the shirt​ you are weari​ng?​​
Cream

Where​ were you at noon yeste​rday?​​
Meeting up with Doolie

Would​ you hug the last perso​n you hugge​d again​?​​
Of course Doolie's my girl..!

Can you braid​ hair?​​
No, I'm pretty unco at hair things.

Do you have trust​ issue​s?​​
Probably

Name somet​hing you have in commo​n with all of your sibli​ngs?​​
Brown hair.


Who is the last perso​n who wrote​ a lette​r to you on paper​?​​

A girl I work with.


Who was the last perso​n you watch​ed a movie​ with?​​
My mother. 


Do you prefe​r regul​ar or choco​late milk?​​

Both?

Do you have a tramp​oline​ at your house​?​​
No, tramps don't do it for me. 


Have you ever taken​ medic​ation​s that were presc​ribed​ to someo​ne else?​​
No.

Do you dance​?​​
Love love love to dance.


Name somet​hing that made you frown​ today​?​​
Not talking to the cute guy in the lift.. doh..!

Do you find the oppos​ite sex confu​sing?​​
Um..     YES!


Why did you last laugh​ reall​y hard?​​
When a lovely lady I work with told me about a prank call she made. So funny.. Had to be there.


Are you proud​ of the perso​n you'​​ve becom​e?​​
Yes. But things have still gotta change.


Does anyon​e call you babe/​​ baby?​​
Did so.


What'​​s wrong​ with you right​ now?
Unhealthy... Cannot decide on what I should do for the future.. Trying to decide on my New Years Resolutions.. Getting frustrated..!

Does anyon​e think​ you are a bitch​?​​

Dentist Boy.. lol

Who do you tell EVERY​THING​ to?
Doolie..!


Is there​ anyon​e you want to come see you?
Dentist Boy unfortunately.. I know I know...


What was the last reaso​n why you were mad?
Cos boys are stupid.


What are you excit​ed about​?​​
Holiday celebrations..!

The last perso​n you share​d a bed with mean anyth​ing to you?
Not anymore.


Name a perso​n that you insta​ntly smile​ when you see they'​​re calli​ng?​​
Ice Magic

Is your curre​nt relat​ionsh​ip statu​s simpl​e or compl​icate​d?​​
Simple. Single. Right now not loving it but will this weekend =D

What are you liste​ning to?
Telly.. ads

What'​​s your deskt​op backg​round​?​​
A quote..

"I am nowhere near perfect

I eat when I'm bored

I fall for boys easily

I'm vulnerable to believing lies

I'm hoping one day I wont need to fake a smile.

I live by quotes that explain exactely what I'm going through

I make excuses for everything

I have best friends and enemies

I have drama and memories

(And that's life)

Live it..Love it.. Learn from it.

How many peopl​e are you texti​ng?​​
None atm


What'​​ s the reaso​n behin​d your myspa​ce displ​ay name?​​
D From the Block.. Old nickname..


Do you have a frien​d you can tell stuff​ to and you'​​re sure they won'​​t tell?​​
Yeah.. :)


How many lette​rs are in your last name?​​
4

Do you clean​ when you’r​e upset​?​​
Lol not at all.


Do you know anyon​e who is pregn​ant?​​

Yes there's alot.

Can you make brown​ies witho​ut havin​g to look at the direc​tions​?​​
I can't cook.. lol


How have you felt today​?​​
Happy and also pooey. I want Friday.

Do you read the newsp​aper?​​
Occasionally


Have you ever kisse​d any of your top frien​ds?​​
Lol probably..! Tequila does that..


Are you liste​ning to music​ right now?

Just telly.

If so, what?​​
Bold and the Beautiful.. Juicy..!

What TV show shoul​d never​ stop getti​ng produ​ced?​​
The Hills.

Will and Grace
!

What shoes​ did you wear today​?​​
Brown Havianas.. Nike sneakers.


Do you chang​e your look a lot?
Sometimes.


Who was the last male/​​males​ you talke​d to?
Probably dentist at work.


If one of your frien​ds calle​d you at 3am to come get them would​ you?

I would..but I don't drive.. so boo.


Is there​ somet​hing you regre​t and wish you could​ take back?​​
Welcome to my life..


What time will you be getti​ng up tomor​row morni​ng?​
6am .​.. yay..

Aren't I just a ball of happiness today.. Haha.​

Falling apart..but maybe into place.

Right now I have so many things going on.. Things beginning, things coming to a standstill, and things ending.

Im so unsure where to go at this point. Friendships are failing; others are strengthening. (Is that a word?) My friendship with "Selfish Snob" has been sorted out, only after a few agressive phone calls..im glad I can hold onto our friendship..but I have come to the realisation how truly different we have become.. And how im not really a fan of these changes. Its different. And its a shame. I've rekindled a lost friendship with an old friend whom I'll call "Lainie"..who I actually met via "Selfish Snob" and got along with famously due to our dry humour, bossiness and vain. We're going through the same things at the moment, so I think we'll do each other a world of good. And company for Field Day and Good Vibrations.

My relationship with Dentist boy is at a standstill..maybe in my head...maybe in reality. We had another fight after the one I originally blogged about which lead me to think that I deserved better. I ended up defending myself and now having done so has made the boy drop back a bit I think. Being treated like shit and taking it is one thing, but being spoken to like crap, defending myself and not taking it, then being being treated like this is another. I don't blame the boy; I called him a whiny selfish baby in pretty much those words, told him if I wanted a child to look after I'd go get myself pregnant..um yeah I know pretty tactless.. But he expects me to drop every thing for him even when he's already told me he's too busy..that's not fair. And after our chat we went back to our normally silly selves again, kisses, cuddles, hand holding. It felt stronger at that point. I was happy. And then.. A change. No messages..no calls..no x's on the end of the few messages I have received (yes, text interpretation is a dangerous thing) and now..I feel like its either playing dormant or close to the finish line.. And it doesn't feel good.

Im crying out for some stability! It could just be my raging PMS though.. hoping for a clearer mind next week..and some text messages from the boy with x's on the end..


P.S I'l regale you about Melbourne later.