Uber is my word for today

Uber tired

Uber wanting to go to Par-ee (aka: Paris)

Uber hating on the rain, loving it at bedtime though

Uber loving Tim Tam (BFF)

Uber not as psychotic

Uber better.

Uber is so a word isn't it!?

Anyways. Day.. 4 of "no more prat men" phase. Nothing has been happening, literally. Working. Doing so much more at work..ordering and stuff. I'm putting all of my happy energy into it. BTW- I'm not crazy anymore..! It was FS who brought out the crazy in me I'm sure. Don't get me wrong, my work isn't something I'm highly passionate about.. but I'm not upset and all over the shop anymore when I'm there. It was FS. Blame him, it's easier that way.

Maybe too that love-o workmate has gone away for 3 months has helped. I hope she doesn't come back.. I know that's really mean..But I'm over everything being about her. And how hopeless she is at her job sometimes. And I'm taking over her job as we speak.

It's really pouring now. 

I feel like cuddles. 

Anyways. Sunny, whom I was supposed to meet up with Sunday afternoon dogged it. He had been to a music festival the day before, I think he was paying for it the next day. He told me he was sick and had to sleep. Which is cool, whatevs. But apart of me feels like he is avoiding the meeting. Which is cool too, whatevs. He should just tell me though. I felt like an idiot waiting on his texts. Not that feeling again..! Especially for somebody who means nothing. Well means a teeny weeny bit. Still not cool though.

And Scotsman, haven't really spoken to him either. I wonder if telling him about FS has stuffed that up. Oh well, at least I was being truthful.

That's all that matters, right?

Also.. Daddy/Daughter day started off miserably. We had a massive argument at CityExtra whilst ordering breakfast. He is such a pushy bastard, and is so close minded. He thinks we should all think how he thinks. He got mad at me for disagreeing with something dumb, and started raising his voice.. "Now you're acting like a fucking five year old D____ just eat your breakfast and be quiet"

..I'm not fucking 12 you twat. Don't speak to me like that.

Anyways, we got over it. We ended up spending most of the day together.. from 7am to about.. 2:30pm. We saw Slumdog Millionaire in Sydney and had Malaysian in Ultimo. I bought "Almost French" for 9 bucks in this awesome new and used bookshop on Pitt Street. A travel memoir about an Australian girl who falls in love with a frenchman and moves to France. It is fabulous. It inspires me. I want to go to France.

Dad has been hounding me about the shrink. He has been treating me like glass about it..Constantly asking me if I'm ok, to relax, breathing techniques. To book an appointment with the lady shrink. 

I'm actually fine. As I said, FS was a major contributor. Asshole. 

I guess I should appreciate my father doting on me. I can't get in to see the shrink for like 6-8 weeks anyways, I'm on a list. Just like the Chanel earrings waiting list. At least it's not a 2 year wait. 

I'm ok, I'm relaxed, and my breathing is deep and calm.

Just give it a few days/weeks/months, it will be chaos like usual.

 

Btw.. ScoMan gave me an award. Thanks matey. :)

I don't think I should be alone right now.

Totally not feeling suicidal at all! I just want company. I just went out for dinner with one of my best friends, I totally forgot about the FS situation until driving home. The moment we got out of the car I felt like I wanted to cry! 

And I'm feeling like that now still, already have had a sob or two. I hate feeling this weak! 

Transformers is on Fox.. Woo Hoo! Distraction for 2 hours at least. And Josh Duhamel is one sexy mofo. 

No doubt, I'll go to bed though and have a cry. So ghey. 

I'm hoping Daddy takes me out for breakfast tomorrow. Things with Daddy have been shit lately. Truth be told he has been a horrible father..I know that's a terrible thing to say about my father, but our history is quite sketchy. Anyways, because of all of this emo shite that's been happening with me, I gave a second thought to patching up our relationship. I want a father figure who will be there for me. Yesterday's phone conversation was actually quite surprising. I told him about all the crap I've been going through lately, that I'm considering seeing a shrink (my father is the BIGGEST advocate for shrinks) and he was really supportive. He never is supportive, emotional.. So I'm happy that this is a little more of a positive start for us. 

Plus it will take my mind off of everything.

And secretly I'm hoping to meet up with Sunny. It might mentally retard me a little further but hey what's a little more screwed-up ness..?

Pourquoi ne peut pas quelque chose établir ?

Ah. I feel better I have to say.

"No more stressing, no more tryin, no more cryin, I would rather be alone.."

Which ultimately is true. It's something I run so far away from, but at the end of the day, when I was alone, I was happy. I did my own thing. I looked after myself. I wasn't weighed down by insecurities.

I think I'll miss just the texting every morning and night. Even though half the time he never replied, it was like a security blankie that made me feel that at least someone there. 

I didn't deserve the cold treatment though. I treated him like a king.. and got no special treatment myself. I know it's not all about "receiving". But how can you give so much of yourself to not expect anything in return? How can you devote so much time and effort and faith and not be rewarded with any time and effort and faith and love back? It's unfair. But that's the way it goes I guess.

I'm not a religious person, but the quote "God's rejections areGod's protections" strikes a nerve. It is unbelievably true. I look back and think of all the things I've been denied and feel relieved because it all would have brought me down so much further. 

I'm looking at the loss of Fireman Sam as one of those rejections.   :)

Anyways, back to normal D* style blogging! Fireman who?

I have 2 bits of juiciness.

1.

A few weeks ago when I had a friend stay over from Queensland, I arranged to meet her at the airport. I missed the train that I was hoping to hop on, but the fare to the airport was ridiculous.. like $28 to go like 4 stops. I was completely broke (after booking that little weekend away..grr) and I decided to stay in Circular Quay and wait for her. I occupied myself, watching the street performers, smelling the variety of foods being served in the restaurants (I remember this because I was hungry-lol) and wandering around aimlessly trying to pass the time away. Some random PR guy came up to me asking if I wanted to get a 2 hour hair pamper thing..I always hate them coming up to me because they always approach when I have no bloody money. I would have said yes if I had some cash. Instead, I shook my head, and wandered over to the other side of the Quay, near the Opera House. I could see in the clearing of tourists a guy standing in the middle, looking at me. Once I had made eye contact and got closer to him he stopped me and asked in his thick scottish accent if I wanted to get a 2 hour hair pamper thing. I laughed. "I've just had your friend ask me the same thing!"  We laughed, and he tried to sell me the same thing..for some reason though, thinking that this was going no where, I lied and said I was going to England and couldn't afford it..Why?? I have no idea, lol. He asked me where I was going.. Long pause. Very long pause. "Uh.."  "London??" "Yes, lol, yes London" He told me I would have a fabulous time, he has a mate Phil who he will organise to take care of me and show me the sights (lol) All the while I'm laughing about this in my head. Then, we just started talking about everything. He was explaining this book he was reading about a war or something, and the ways of approaching battle.. I can't remember why, but I was thinking that I thought he was so interesting..funny..clever..cute. There was definitely some flirting going on, and I added him to Facebook on my Blackberry before our conversation had ceased. We said our goodbyes, and the most prominent thing I remember was him watching me and smiling as I walked away. It was like one of those moments in a movie. So weird.

Anyways, We chatted a few times on Facebook, he asked me when I was leaving.. Lol spun some more lies and said April 26th (?) He said he would love to catch up before I left (lol) He gave me his number. I popped it in my phone. This was like.. 2 weeks ago. I felt guilty. I wanted to contact him but held out because of FS. It wasn't fair. 

But in the midst of this week's paranoia and confusion, I thought "Fuck it."

I messaged him, and within 10 I got a text back. I had managed to fob off the trip thanks to my crafty lie skills (something I am not proud about but it does have it's advantages!) and we ended up meeting up that night for a drink..well a coke for me. He is soo damn interesting. He is writing a script, which he hopes he will make a film out of. He's a bartender, and his script is based on what effects alcohol has on relationships.. He knows the director of Trainspotting. He is a Taurus. He has just finished reading this book that has changed his life. He explained this book to me, it was like a self help one, that teaches you to let go of your negativity (and blah blah) but he believes this book has changed his behavioral tendencies forever. He seems so mature..so grown up. So open minded. He is quite funny. I told him about FS. I felt guilty. We didn't really say much. But it just made me realise that there are sooo many other men out there, that are funny and clever and interesting and interested in me. I was settling with FS. It was just one of those factors that helped me make the decision to end things with FS. Nothing much has happened since we parted the station with the Scotsman, a kiss on the cheek and a hug goodbye, said we'd do it again. We'll see. I'm not gonna put everything on this guy.

2.

My ex that I've never wrote about got in contact with me on Facebook out of complete randomness, totally spun me out. We talked occasionally on MSN, and the other day I found out he had broken up with his girlfriend who he went straight out with after we broke up. I was surprised. And due to the whole FS situtation, I felt free enough to talk about everything. We reminisced about everything.. it felt really good. This was a guy I didn't want to end things with, but everything was so complicated, he had a poor family life behind him, he was confused as well. We always said that it was too early for us to have met...that maybe in the future that this could work alot better. I'm not sure, but the way we were chatting was like we were back together it was strange. But not getting ahead of myself..he's just come out of that relationship..intentions may be a little skewed. But I've always missed him..always had him in my heart. And maybe we might meet up for lunch tomorrow. Should be interesting.

Script

fs: cant answer at the moment whats on yor mind

me: i really didnt want to discuss this via text..but i think its best if we stopped seeing each other

fs: fair enough

me: didnt think youd have much to say. i dont want this but i feel you do

fs: i just dont think i can satisfy your needs in terms of what you     would expect from me in a relationship

me: i felt you never tried. for instance: you didnt call me like you     said you would. its stuff like that that show how much you dont     care..or care enough...ive given you so much of me and i             tried so hard to understand but youve never even tried to make       me happy or feel special

fs: i think thats something i done sub consciously because im still     afraid of commitment

me: how should i feel about that? you thought you could just put me     to the side until you were ready?

fs: that was never my intention

me: what was it then

fs: i never had an intention i just wanted to see if things would       work out which i dont think they would if we were in a               relationship

me: yeah well you forgot about how i felt about it obviously. i         think it would be very different if you actually wanted a           relationship. anyways i dont want to talk about this anymore. id     like to stay friends and stuff

me: do you want to stay friends?

No reply.

70/30

Ratio.

70% Awesome time away with FS

30% Shit time away with FS

The 30% was because of my retarded emo-ness. Something is wrong with me I'm sure. I got so so mad such a little petty thing.. all because the boy didn't offer to get me a drink from a shop. 

We argued about it on the way back to our hotel, and by the time we go there no words were being spoken. It scared me. I knew I had gone over the line by a mile. It was my fault. I started crying. He was so mad at the way I had spoken to him and what I was blaming him for. He kept saying that this was not going to work. It broke my heart to hear him say that. It upset me more. He wasn't comforting me because how I had treated him. He didn't want a "reconciliation."

We talked it over. I kept repeating how ending it is not what I want. We come to the conclusion that if we were to argue again on our last day away it would be over.

There were little things that I got upset about during the day.. but I bit my tongue..because I really think there is something the matter with my mind. I'm not saying I'm crazy.. I think I'm hormonal.. I think I'm insecure.. I think I'm very unhappy with my life.. I take it out on people who don't put me on a pedestal. I have too high expectations.. I thought I deserved to have high expectations, but my expectations are so not do-able. No one can satisfy me.

This makes me feel shit.

At least I have come to these realisations.. I'm gonna get this sorted..for everyone's sake!

The 70% was amazing. I do love him. He is a good boy.

In a few moments

I'll be on my way to the Mountains with my beau. Very excited. Bit nervous for the drive.. But still so excited  :)

It is annoying

..because I don't want to love him..just yet. I'm dealing with a highly un-emotional human being! I don't even know if he'll even utter those 3 words to me. So I just feel that its annoying because I have to front...I can't express how I feel.

I definitely love him

but I'll keep it to myself for awhile. 

We spent the day together, and even though it was just simply watching telly, cuddling, laughing, play fighting.. I just look at him and I feel love.

Annoying.

Chocolate Peanut Butter and Praline Pecan

Were the 2 flavours of ice cream I had during my rendezvous with the infamous Ute Boy. And guess what~theres actually nothing special to tell at all. He picked me up in that delectable ute of his •drool• and we just drove around town reminiscing about everything and laughing.

And you know what? All could talk about was Fireman Sam. And as I got out of that ute FS texted me! Aww!

I know I am totally over Ute Boy ! Woo hoo! I consider him an awesome friend though, I guess that's all that matters at the end of the day. And he's moving around the area I'm thinking of moving to, so I could always use an extra friend. :)

Um...

I'm going out for ice cream with Ute Boy..

Yes, remember Ute boy..?

I swear it's just as friends..

lol!!

Update in an hour

I..

really flippin like this guy. I want him here now. 

Ce doit être amour

is French for..

"It must be love"

I'm feeling all soft and shit this morning. I really miss the guy. He left at like 6ish am to go to work [on a Sunday!] Poor bubba. I just wanted him to stay in bed with me instead! It's amazing how you can take for granted time spent when they have to suddenly up and go. 

I'm developing some feelings that I know I can classify as "falling in love" 

Not sure if I'm happy or what with this - lol!

Well of course happy but not sure I want it to happen right now. Everything is sorted with us. And just spending the weekend with him this weekend has already shown me his feelings and stuff are growing too. It's amazing how someone can start off so..awkward..and over a period of time develop feelings and things like that. I think I appreciate him more for it. It just goes to prove that you need to give people chances instead of writing them off.. the good old "He's just not that into you" doesn't work for me at all! I saw that movie, It was sightly a 2 hour waste of my life lol! It was sad, I cried! But you seriously can't use this reasoning for real life. Obviously if he isn't calling, if he isn't taking you out, whatever, "he's just not that into you" but what happens when there actually is emotional baggage holding them back? You can't just write somebody off for that. Maybe I just believe in giving everyone a chance..?

Maybe.

I just started getting off the track. I just know that when we cuddle, I feel all love-ish inside. Like I never want him to leave. I really didn't think I'd feel this way so early. It's annoying. Haha.

Anyways, I'm super excited, me and FS are going away for a long weekend in 2 weeks time. Up to the Blue Mountains, it should be amazing. I've booked an apartment for us to stay in with a spa and all very spiffy things, it's gonna be so good. Next weekend we both have stuff going on, so this will be like the first weekend ever that we won't be hanging out! It's mind-boggling slightly lol, I think it will be great practice for me. FS is going to Thailand in October (awws!) I'm like so happy for him, I  really want to travel as well. But at the same time I'm sad because he will be away.. lol it's so gay!! I accidentally let something slip when he was talking about it, I said something like..

"Don't forget about me while you're gone!"

And he said

"Don't you worry I won't be.. !"

I think that's positive, I would like to think I'll still be there by October. And I think is he thinking that too. 

This is where we'll be staying! 

Loft Studios have a king size bed, ensuite with 2 person Hydrotherapy massage spa bath, lounge area with open fireplace, writing desk, dining table for 2 and a small kitchenette. The lovely soaring ceilings are complimented by glass sliding doors which open to your own private verandahs.

Ooh la la.

Je ne peux pas attendre !

and..

I can just see my ass in here with a glass of wine and some chocolate-dipped strawberries.. heaven.

Ooh and guess what. I got an award. AAw..! Thanks Scoman :)

Appreciating being Female right about now..

Today is my day off ..  Yay!! Yesterday I worked my booty off..! So today I'm going to have a lovely day full of shopping and pampering.. I love being able to spoil myself :)

I'm getting a Spa Pedicure and for the first time in like a year or so, getting acrylic nails..! OMG I love them. Being in the industry I'm in, my nails are weak, brittle, and they look like shit. So I'm excited, I've missed them so much.

Then.. I'm getting my hair done at my old salon, I haven't been there in awhile because my hairdresser left.. I hate when they do that.. But I'm gonna go back there anyways because I decided to venture out of my comfort zone and go to another hairdresser..who I felt tortured

 my poor scalp..I had tears in my eyes by the time he was finished..so rough..! So I'm going back to what I know.. (normal behavioural thing for me.. :p)

I'm going to do some retail therapy.. It's my high school reunion next Saturday s

o I want to buy a cute yet classy dress (I really do not wish to look like the sluts that I went to school with..lol!) It will be interesting.. A guy that I had a crush on for sooo long will be attending.. We hooked up so long ago.. Whilst I was with a guy that I had been with for 3 years.. mm.. I know-bad D*! 

I don't think I want to go back there anyways... Then again.. I kinda wish I wasn't seeing FS.. it would make things so much more..interesting.. hehe..! It would be alright though if I was actually FS's girlfriend.. but I'm not.. and that makes it annoying.. =D

What else am I buying.. ? Ooh CD'S... all the usual girlie toiletry stuff..  Yeah should be good.. 

Would love to get my nails done with LC and LO!

Where are the Maltesers?

The last time I had Maltesers was when FS stayed at mine for the weekend.. We both influence each other to eat so much junk food.. We were laying all over each other in my room watching South Park The Movie.. I was feeling like a chocolate hit, and I turned to him and cheekily asked..

"Do you want some Maltesers..?"    ;)

At that point I never knew he enjoyed Maltesers to the extent that I did, so the look on his face was amazing, and watching his eyes light up over Maltesers made me laugh, because no one looks like that over an offer of chocolate besides me..! Lol. I went into the kitchen, and found some 6-odd fun-size Malteser bags and cracked them open into a bowl, and took them into my room.. We ended up throwing some at each other, it made for fun times. But the cutest thing was offering each other the last Malteser.. I gave up his offer and let him have it. It's so corny.. but that shit makes me smile. It stupid things like that that make me think happy when I think of FS. 

It's been a little funny lately.. well I think I've been a little funny lately.. It sounds so dumb..but when I don't get a message or a call I get so cut. I think of all those times I've called him and messaged him and just wish I would get some calls or messages in return.. It makes me think about how into me he really is.. I know for a fact he is not a texter.. But I also know for a fact that he will do it without blinking an eyelid when it's a friend who's texted him.. I confronted him about it (again) on Friday night, after being in a miserable mood all day thinking about how into him I really am, we sorted everything out. I think. I made him well aware that the whole messaging/calling thing IS a need for me, to keep up the communication. I told him that he was making me feel as if he didn't care about what was going on. He assured me that he does care, but he didn't know that he needed to text me all the time, that hearing from me once a day was enough for him..which I get he is one of those guys. When it came to the whole "girlfriend" tag though.. I didn't get told what I wanted to hear, but I guess it was better than being told I

 would never make it to girlfriend status. He told me that he still felt like it is too early for us to dip into something.. He feels that if we were to get into something together, that it would be over quickly, due to the fact that we don't know each other that well, and we haven't known each other for all that long. He doesn't want to do that to me. But he tells me that as everyday goes by, I'm getting closer to the "girlfriend" tag. He can forsee us being together...but later on. He likes how it is with us now. He is 100% exclusive with us. He is extremely happy at this point, and feels taking the time to get to know each other better will make him happier in the long run.

I understand. To a point.

I think it's time I met someone who wanted to take things slow. But at the same time..are these just excuses? Maybe he is trying to drag it out? Or is this in my mind? 

Yesterday he did good he did some texting which I appreciated. But today.. No message as of yet.. 3:13pm.. I know he's at work.. Fair enough.. But he's had enough time to go on Facebook..? Yeah I seriously could be causing the damage here myself but that just annoys me. A texts takes a minute.. Maybe updating your status doesn't take as long.. Maybe he's priorities are in a very different [bad] place. Maybe I'm putting too much on this and he isn't. Maybe I'm getting too carried away.. There's alot of maybe's there. A text takes a minute..! That's all I'm asking for. I don't wanna get mad again over something so dumb. I am being dumb. I promised him I woul

d ease up. I really should.

But if he doesn't call or text me tonight..

Asta La Vista..Baby.

It annoys me.. I just can't stay mad at him. He is always rational. He always make sense and is fair.. why can't he just message me.. lol?!

Anyways what I originally wanted to mumble about was The Hills.. and how much I love it.. And Lauren Conrad.. I have an unhealthy obsession about that girl.. I would love to be like her.. I mean.. be in her position. Have a world of opportunities at my feet. What's she's able to do with her life is exactely what I would love to do.. I would head in the same direction and everything. She is amazing. Sure her show is incredibly scripted and kinda gay sometimes.. but she's used it as a stepping stone. I wish I had a stepping stone. Maybe I have a stepping stone but I can't see it.. or I haven't found it yet..