Le sigh..

At 12:25pm today I sighed with great relief. I finally got a text back from the boy, whom we'll call.. Toy Boy.

Toy Boy is my new..toy. That I happen to really really adore We met at the races a month ago and have spoken everyday since. Well except maybe one day, when I refused to text him..I wanted to be chased. And, he texted me at 7am the next day.

And everything has been fabulous, almost too good to be true at times. He calls, he texts. He takes me out. He introduced me to his friends. He tells me about his family and says casually, "you'll see, you'll meet them."

It's like effortless.

When I went away for a mini-break, I thought I'd determine whether we're "exclusive" or what? The worst thing was, I had to ask the question over texting (yes I know..but we were at work and I HAD to know)

He was slightly confused by it all, as the poor darling would. But pretty much said that I could do what I like..which really turned me off. I did not want to hear that. I guess I wanted to hear something along the lines of "You know what sweety? Yes we are. I like you and I want to see how these goes."

So yes I was kinda disappointed. And hurt. And went on a "I don't care" rage for a few days. But it all dawned on me and he has the right to feel that way. He did say he wasn't searching for anyone else. That's a biggie right? That's something! Maybe. I hope.

Anyways so the whole time I was away we texted, we called. There was always some form of contact. And I loved it, I won't lie. I even met heaps of guys and they were cute..but not as cute as him...

So Saturday night was our second date, for some reason it feels like we've been going out forever though. We went out for dinner. The horrible thing is I kept getting this horrible gut feeling that this is not going to work..it was horrible. Sitting there at dinner looking at him and thinking how amazing he is but thinking how I don't think I can handle the age gap and how I don't fit into his life somehow. He was talking about the next 12 months, what he wants to do, and I just felt like I don't fit it. I know it's only been a month but..it feels weird..I know I'm just being silly. I decided to get over it and enjoy the night. So we decided to go to putt-putt, where we were just silly with each other. Randomly making out on the courses. It put my mind at ease.. I floated away on cloud 9...

And he stayed over.. in a moment of vulnerability, I told him how I felt.. that I like him a lot. I felt when he told me he didn't care if I met anyone else that I felt he didn't care. He told me he did care. I told him I don't want to waste time, that I don't want to get hurt. There was instant silence.. but he held me closer and I felt reassured for a moment in time.

Then we woke up together..and even with the morning breath I didn't care. We just laid there dozing randomly and spooning..looking at each other..smiling..laughing.. I made him waffles for breakfast.. It was very cute. He kept thanking me and giving me these huge smiles! It melted my heart. We watched some cricket together and went to the Seafood Markets..it was so coupley. It was awesome. We want to go back with beer and wine and make an afternoon of it with friends. I was so sad when the time was inching closer to him leaving. I instantly missed him.

I hated the feeling.

I never missed the feeling!

So as the night went on we had texted to tell each other we had a great weekend. And stupidly I was expecting a goodnight text because I always get a goodnight text. But there was no text. I put it down to the fact that we had just spent like 24 hours together, that he was with his friends, and he was knackered. The feeling passed.

I woke up this morning secretly hoping I had a text..but I didn't. Which is cool. I texted him very briefly a few hours later. And by a few hours later after I still had not recieved a reply.. Instant wave of disappointment washed over me.. I started replaying over everything in my mind.. had I done something wrong? Said something? Did I come off too strong? It was driving me crazy. I felt sad.. I reached for chocolate! I slumped. I hadn't felt this way in months..I kept asking myself if I was really ready to do this all over again, to get hurt.

And when I finally got that reply I felt so much better. There was even a cute name thrown in there and I got my sanity back.

He's going away this weekend with the boys which makes me slightly apprehensive. I just want him to behave himself and be careful..that's another thing that the age gap makes me.. I feel like I have to look after him or something.. it's crap. I don't want to treat him like that.. I feel horrible when I question things he says and does.. I wish I could stop it.

I'll be so glad when he comes back.

I see him in 2 weeks....Time fly please?

And then New Years will be weird. we're both doing our own things. I possibly will be in another state.. I think maybe just going with it will be the best thing.. I just don't wanna get too attached..

I just want it to be easy..